Daily Grind

It greatly irks me that I have to do this everyday - sacrifice my early hours to join the queue on the freeway, burn up fuel and pollute the environment - just to make it in time to the office. What do I have waiting for me once I get there? A whole day's worth of watching videos on Youtube, surfing the net, chatting with whoever's online and playing Minesweeper until I couldn't possibly break the score record one more time. If Yahoo Mail had a gate keeper, I'd be standing outside it's gates begging to get in for the 100th time. If Solitaire were to charge a fee for every game, I'd be flat broke. If it weren't Ramadhan, I'd take coffee/toilet breaks every ten minutes and there'd be lunch hour to look forward to.

It greatly irks me that this is what I took a whole year off school to do. I'm not complaining about the abundance of free time I have on my hands. Oh no, I wouldn't even think to do that. It only worries me that my brain might be turning into mush with all this excessive R&R. I can't even force myself to blog even once a week. I'm afraid I might have gone so soft that when I do return to school, even the slightest hint of pressure is going to break me to pieces. Who's to be blamed then, my boss?

Gather My Shattered Heart

Gather my shattered heart
Put it in a jar
Place it at a window
Open it to the garden
Plant it with blooms
Face them to the sun
So it's rays may touch my shattered heart
And I can learn to feel, once again.

move

packing boxes slow
strips of tapes, scissors, boxes
stacked against the wall

things for now
things i wish to see again
things to hold on to

things for later
things to put away for keeps
things for latter days

things to be rid of
things that i want to forget
things to be erased

full boxes
steps echo on walls
empty house

See You Later

'I dreamt of arwah again last night,'

What was it about this time?

'Nothing, except that I saw him again and he looked happy, like always.'

You must've been thinking a lot about him then. It must have been at least six months since I last dreamt about him.

'No, I just miss him, like you, that's all.'

.......


My dearest Syakir,

I keep thinking that if I weren't a Muslim and didn't know the certainty of the Afterlife, I'd imagine you soul fluttering above me every time my thoughts strayed to you. I'd probably picture you perched on top of the wire-mesh butterfly you made me years ago. I take everywhere with me, you know. It sat on my dressing table for a whole year until you left. I took it with me to Brisbane and I took it with me when I came back. I have it here right now on my office-issue whiteboard, next to the pencil-sketch of John Lennon that Apiz gave me.

I remember the day you made it for me. You came and set at my workstation in the studio, twirling and twisting the wires while we talked. I was excited when I saw the butterfly taking form but I went speechless when you handed it to me and said, 'Nah, ambikla.' You've given me many other gifts of the like but the butterfly is the most meaningful yet. I'd had a vague, unattended obsession with butterflies but you put it into a physical form that day, almost off-handedly.

Your sudden departure still leaves me staring into space. During those first few days I'd cry until I thought I'd suffocate. More painful than your absence was the fact that the rest of us get to go on with life and you can't. Most frightening of all is the possibility that you might be forgotten.

It's been two years now and I can see that that is no where near possible. The pain of saying goodbye to you has turned into bittersweet remembrance. I've found that my prayers are a better offering than any amount of tears I could shed for you. I take solace through my faith in God's bountiful wisdom.

I know now that it was never a goodbye. Just a 'See you later!' where the 'later' isn't as clear cut as usual but it's deifinitely there. In your case it's somewhere better, somewhere outside this life. There's a long wait but it's definitely coming.

So, my dear friend, I'll see you later.

Life 101

'Never lie.'

'Why?'

'Because once you lie, they'll tag you as a liar. And they won't hesitate to paint everything you say with that same brush. Never, ever lie.'

'I see.'

Escapism

It used to be that whenever I felt depressed or pressured, I'd be visited by a mental image of myself puffing on a ciggarette, cheeks hollowed as I inhaled the nicotine-saturated fumes, eyes haloed by dark circles and fingers tar-stained yellow. Lately it's a different image. I'm running along a quiet street, the air is chilled and a lone car passes by. The trees that line the street are tall and swaying leafless, almost ready for winter. Sometimes I'd be crying, other times my eyes are shut against whatever it was that's depressing me.

'Lin, those drawings need to be ready by noon.'

Run.

The computer threatens to shut down for the tenth time.

Run.

Dead-logged on the highway during rush hour.

Run.

'Everybody needs to be with somebody, you know...'

Run run run run run run....

Thy Pie Hole

Even more powerful than the ability to express oneself eloquently is the ability to keep mum when needed.

-painfully discovered through painful experience under excrutiatingly painful circumstances.

White Oleander

Time flies when you're having fun, so goes the old addage. Especially if that fun is in the form of a book by Janet Fitch. I am literally unable to put it down ever since I bought it three days ago. The one hour wait I endure almost daily melts away like butter left irresponsibly in the hot sun. When the book is in front of me, I am a prisoner on death row savouring her precious hour-a-day in the yard. I want to be the beauty that Ingrid Magnussen flaunts so nonchalantly. I want to be Astrid's serene white innocence. I want to be Ron's tales thrown precariously to his audience. I want to be Olivia's deathly grip on Life. I want to step into the pages and flutter in the wind. I want to leave Here and join them There.

Explaining Islam

Karen Armstrong holds the ticket as a Muslim apologist. I consider her to be one on a broader scale. Apologia refers to a rational explanation. In her own words, Karen Armstrong is an apologist not only of Islam but of other religions as well. I personally salute her unwavering commitment in communicating to the public what various religions is all about. Through her writings she has labored to clear some of the most common (and often damning) fallacies that has befallen Islam today. Since I have yet to read her books, I find it odd and ironic that someone of immense knowledge on Islam should be banned from our country where Islam is often a victim of misinterpretation, mingled with customs and traditions and personally misconstrued.

While it is consoling to have a prominent figure making waves and throwing positive vibes about Islam, it also a saddening reality that a person not of the faith is the one able to provide the world with an objective etching. Armstrong speaks of the beauty of Islam through her studies of the Quran and other scholastic Islamic texts, and that's just the tip of the iceberg that is Islam. Imagine how much more Muslims, practicing, faithful Muslims, have to contribute to clearing Islam for slander and vilification by the west. If only.

However, there must also be caution in glorifying the likes of Armstrong in championing the religion. Never is she to be mistaken as a reference or guide on being a Muslim and practicing Islam for Muslims, be it in the old days or the modern world.

While her intentions and efforts are undoubtedly noble, her writings and opinions can only be taken as that - her writings and opinions. Allah dictates in the Quran that in matters of religion (which in actuality covers every aspect of our lives) Muslims are to consult the more knowledgeable amongst us (i.e. the religious scholars)( the Quran 21:7). It is therefor impossible for someone like Armstrong to guide us on religious matters since she lacks that one fundamental facet - faith in Allah. It is pertinent for me to point out that Karen Armstrong had stressed, in an interview, that she does not see belief as an important factor in one's religion. That is an expression of her faith but it clearly goes against teachings of the Quran, in which stress is placed upon building a strong belief in God, the angels, heaven and hell among others, time and time again. Without the belief that a higher Being is watching over and providing for you, there can be no compulsion to show gratitude and give thanks. Without the belief that there is an abundance of unseen bounty in the hereafter, there can be no real compulsion to do good deeds unselfishly.

This post is not meant to undermine Karen Armstrong in any way. I, for one, am fast becoming an admirer of her works. However, it is important to be both pedantic and prudent in selecting our sources as guidance.

Fathi Yakan's To Be A Muslim (see chapter The Creed)

Absolute Vanity

There is nothing more painful to witness than absolute vanity. Especially if it's sitting in your office nine to five, dishing out beauty tips to anyone naive enough to ask.

The pain of that transgresses all boundaries known to man.

Busy busy busy

All it takes is a busy weekend to put last week a lifetime away.

House hunting

Reality bytes;

I'm slowly learning the subtle difference between what my parents can provide for me and what I can afford on my meagre trainee's allowance.

akmal

Photo courtesy of esyaque

THAT is bliss....
THAT is joy....
THAT is life....

Praise Allah.

internet at work

Internet@work

I'm sure there's a set rule regarding the use of internet access in the office but it's a grey area in mine. The boss made it accessible in order for us to update our freeware antivirus programmes but we're supposed to hide our usage of it while he (the boss) is around. GO figure.

Home

Working out, safely.

After seven years of living within the vicinity of readily available public amenities, I've decided to make use of one of them,the local gym, two months before we're due to move out. It's no fancy affair, just a few equipments in an eighteen-by-nine room. The work clothes I got for myself at the beginning of my tenure is beginning to feel snug and I wasn't breaking enough sweat walking from my friend's car to the train station entrance. I'd have gladly walked the distance from my office to the station if not for several life-threatening factors.

To begin with, the roads here are rarely curbed, meaning you'd be walking ON the road,either on the side or, if you're completely bonkers, right smack in the middle of it.(I think the government's campaign for people to walk against traffic is pointless so long as they're still walking ON the road).

Even if there are continuous and safe curbs to tread on, there's the dogs issue to deal with. Here in the motherland, domestic felines and canines alike roam the streets unhindered. Just last month my family had a nerve-wrecking encounter with a surprised-but-decided-to-be-fierce mongrel on our walk to the local mamak's. It was an amazing scare but none of us were hurt, except for maybe my father's pride when he slipped to his rump in taking off his sandal to fend of the malicious dog. So you see, a walk down the street 3 minutes from home can be quite a life-threatening adventure.

Say the local authorities, for some insane reason, decided to do their job and round up all the strays, another issue persists. Local dog-owners, at least the ones in my neighbourhood and the ones near my office, seem to favour the streets as one big, free, maintenance-free litter box. This is as disgusting as you can imagine. Every morning and evening, on my way to and from work, I can see individuals standing by the road-side, innocently holding a leash while their domesticated poop-machines do their 'job'. Some don't even bother going into the bushes. I used to walk home during my final years of high-school and I've been an unwilling witness to the products of this daily irresponsible act. I'm sure some irreversible damage's been done to my psyche from unwanted sightings of excrement. Don't get me started about (accidentally)stepping on a pile of crappola.

Irresponsible bowel movements and insufficient pedestrian amenities aside, there's the motorists creating traffic and emitting carbon. The dangers of inhaling car exhaust is an old and oft-discussed issue. Pedestrian priority is non-existence here in the motherland. The rule is, if you see someone trying to cross the road, be sure to speed up and make sure the person doesn't cross in front of you. Now, thanks to low cc motorcycles that can weave in and out of traffic and in between cars faster than you can run to the loo, we're faced with the danger of snatch- thieves. This reckless breed of purse-dippers are becoming bolder too, slashing their victims needlessly in procuring their loot. Every time I cross the road, my purse is clutched to my chest rather than kept in my hand-bag. In the event that my handbag gets snatched, I'd at least still have saved my purse. It's ridiculous carrying a bag that doesn't serve any purpose. That clearly reflects the (near-bedlam) environment we've had to live in.

So, after seven years if walking and looking past that gym, I've decided to put on some running shoes and give it a go. At least I'd be breaking a sweat without unwittingly reducing my life span.

Shakespeare said...

Shakespeare said...

'...nothing is so common as the desire to be extraordinary.'

...hence the French guy who keeps scouring the world's skyscrapers.
...hence Erikah Badu and her oddly named offsprings.
...hence Gehry's Bilbao project.
...hence the stuffed crab and dead cactus on my desk.
...hence moir.

LRT

Random Ramblings #16

People getting into trains (in the motherland) never have the common sense to step aside and let other people get off before entering the carriage. I often have to squeeze my way through the barrage of sweaty bodies after a long day's work in order to get out. It doesn't help that the train door stays open for only a short period. They don't have the decency to queue in good discipline either. Either that or they're just plain dumb.

kak N's wedding

I forgot that I had something to say about the wedding until I saw kak Ayien's blog.

I forgot that I'd had this nagging thought for days after the majlis bertandang.

The wedding was full of highs with very few lows, for me. Alhamdulillah, our whole family is so proud to have been able to pull it off practically single-handedly.

The 'send-off' in Seremban was equally fun. But I came home puzzled of a minor discomfort.

I realized that the whole affair had been pretty one-sided for me. It was MY sister getting married, MY family welcoming a new member, OUR kenduri, OUR relatives.

During the majlis bertandang, I kept feeling irked by the way Esyaque's family talked in such a familiar way about my sister. Here is a bunch of people I hardly know and they seem to know a lot about kak Nani and fancy her to no end.

I had overlooked the fact that she's being welcomed into another family and that she's going to be apart of this entire group of people I hardly know anything about. The IN-LAWS.

There is irritation that accompanys my realization of this fact and ignoring it is a big effort.

I guess that's what letting go is all about.

Random ramblings #15

Random ramblings #15

Why is it that everytime I signal to change lanes, the car in the other lane will speed up to close the gap so as to disable me from changing lanes?

Maybe I should stop signaling and simple swerve into the next lane, let the other motorists fend for their lives.

How tempting....

Random Rambling #14

Random Rambling #14

I woke up to the yellow moon going down
I asked her, 'Which way should I sail my boat?'
She told me, 'Girl, it's ok, just keep it afloat,
the best is yet to come so don't fret and don't frown.

I told her, 'The winds are pulling my sail, I've got to go,
Will the best wait for me, should I take it for a ride,
This journey I'm on gets lonesome at high tide,'
She said ' Girl, raise your anchor, let time take it's tow...and just let it flow.'

This Grief Is Private

Random rambling #13

This grief is private....do not enter.

Approaching midnite with the lights out and I still can't bring myself any closer to facing the facts/truth/ugly truth or whatever. How often do you do this - keep expecting something to be when it's plain and simple that that something will never be as you want it. And yet you keep hoping that it might for the simple reason that the facts/truth/ugly truth would hurt too much. In fact, it would hurt so much that the pain of carrying on this silly charade while getting disappointed each time seems puny. How often do you wish there was a fast-forward button that would help you skip any painful episode that will undoubtedly surface? How often do you wish that life could be just like in the movies where one can cut from crying in one scene to another where one is already walking in a park with an optimistic smile steadily making one's way towards recovery? How often do you wish that you could communicate every pathetic detail of your dilemma without having to utter a single word? How often do wish that you could just BLANK it all out? I do. All the time.

tagged

so i've been tagged

(thanx to kak ayien for forcing me to activate my blog, if only for another hurried entry.)

six weird things about myself. hmm...i do personally consider myself to be a certified freak. Although i may appear to be completely normal most of the time, inwardly I am constantly battling to keep that balance. I picked up a mantra from the movie 'Girl, Interrupted'. Wynona Ryder was in a cab heading away from the mental facility in which she'd been 'imprisoned' for a period of time. She came out of it not completely recovered (otherwise it'd be cliched) but thoroughly optimistic, for herself and the rest of her fellow 'inmates'. Her rationale of the whole experience was that 'crazy is you, magnified'. I fully beleive that. It's estimated that if we were to translate an average person's brain into writing, it wouldn't even fit into the entire Library of Congress. If we ever manage to achieve that, I think everyone on the planet would come off as a at least a bit off kelter.

That said, let's get back to the six. It's a tight squeeze for me but i'll give it a try all the same....

1. I think there's a force maintaining a perfect balance in my body. If I got a zit on my right cheek, another one will appear shortly on my left cheek. Don't even get me started on butt-cramps....

2. I get charged up with static electricity quite easily (please don't ask me how or why) I often get static shocks from touching railings in busses, stainless doors (or anything made of stainless steel, for that matter) and especially (I hate this one the most) car doors during hot weather.

3. I love giving myself a decent scare once in a while. Makes me aware that i'm still alive. Anyone who's been to UTM Skudai would know the stretch of road between the campus's main gates and just before you reach the traffic light at Taman U. There aren't any street lights on that stretch of road. I used to turn off my headlights as I was driving back from the studio during all hours of the night regardless of whether I was alone or not. My friends think it's psychotic of me. I think so too but the thrill is unbeatable!!!

4. The way my teeth are configured is exactly the same as my sister's.

5. I used to scare myself when I couldn't sleep at night. It usually works because then I'd be too scared to even open my eyes. Makes sense, right? I still do it sometimes. Nowadays I'm so tired there's no need for that.

6. Something or someone who is highly favoured by a majority of people instantly puts me off. For example, Siti Nurhaliza, David Beckham, the colour pink and stuffed toys.

21 conversations

twenty conversations in my head/dear friend, where art thou???

Here in my part of the world, courtesy is handed out in small doses. There is no rush to let the ladies go first, to reply a gracious 'thank you' or to return an unwarranted but honest smile. Here in my part of the world, courtesy is a highly underrated commodity.

I walked into what I thought would be a positively career building interview and came out questioning my reason for choosing architecture as my life's vocation. Actually it didn't take much in the way of emotional bashing for me to start regretting my choices. I'd been questioning myself for some years now. Luckily enough, I have my dad's ability to simply ignore such gnawing questions and soldier on never mind everything else. I fear that the said question might again rise up to the surface to give me another scare.

Apart from life-impacting career decisions, my current situation consists of a thousand minial tasks which I set out to complete daily. I came home feeling as if my entire family's existance was in need of a major life-style overhaul. This is probably a mixed result of reality and my own sense of self-rightiousness. My family's not really in such a dire situation and I simply need something to occupy myself with while looking for a job.

There is an ongoing line of conversation that runs through my subconcios mind. I'd tune in and out of it unconciously. I'd be doing the dishes and suddenly realize that I was talking to an old friend about the minute details of dishwashing. Am I going nuts? I don't think so. I'm simply missing my friends, people with whom I'd spend hours talking about anything and everything. Currently none of them are at my disposal, so I guess my subconcious really is the next best thing. God, I really miss those long pointless conversations.

I'm home

home coming me / resuming homelife / my life is governed by the past

It took only two days at home to make me feel as if I hadn't been gone for the past two years.
It took Hakim's remarks on my obsession with the laundry to make me realize the above.
It took the drive home from the airport plus my dad's pep talk on getting a job a.s.a.p. to make me want to jump on the next plane headed for Brisbane (or anywhere else for that matter!).
It took exactly one week before I earned my first deadly serious glare from my dad. It took me half an hour to realize that he was giving me one. I take this as a positive sign that I'd been gone too long.

I'm still failing at going through one whole day without upsetting my mom (either intentionally or unintentionally. especially intentionally).
(while i was typing this, my dad came over to show me something which he'd just came over to show me about ten minutes ago. that was scary.)
I'm still failing at redirecting my continously-chewing-jaws to healthier dietary options besides left-over-kuih-raya and bananas. (neither one of which seem to be running out, mysteriously enough).
I am still failing in reducing the pile of junk I'd left behind two years ago. I usually manage to empty a box or two after hours of rumaging but I'm really just shuffling and redistributing them into different boxes. (I've considered dumping all the boxes since I've been able to survive the past two years without needing any of them but anyone who's ever owned anything in their lives would know that sentimentality makes that action virtually impossible so I might as well forget it).

I have, however, made it home safely, thanx be to God so, that makes everything look rosy from my end of the tunnel. life is sweet indeed.

Sun

Sun

I caught the sun rising today. It said hi to me so I waved back with as much optimism as I can muster. The day promises to be beautiful so I breathed easy and sipped my tea. Contemplating the hows of packing never got me anywhere, so I might just start randomly dumping all my stuff into boxes and label them with ingenous tags like "stationery and sorts" or "software + some other hard stuff" so I'd have something to smile about while unpacking them a year from now. If there ever was a plus side to saying goodbye, albeit a temporary one, it'd be the food and caffein. I've had more farewell luches and coffee meets that I can count on my hands. The pain of never seeing them again ( for the next year, more or less) is somewhat soothed by whatever caffeine-enhanced-beverage I chose for the day. Come to think of it, saying goodbye has been a lot of fun. The only friend I might worry about being honest when she said she'd miss me was my Turkish classmate. She relied quite heavily on my assistance for some of her major design assignments. I do hope I wasn't her last resort.
I brag rather sheepishly (try that expression in the mirror, you'll laugh yourself silly) to my friends that I've been packed and ready to go since last week. Strangely though, there's still a lot of stuff I feel I haven't touched. Up till last week I'd set my mind to not seeing my family and friends back home for at least two more years. Now that I'd decided to return, extending my stay for even another day seemed unbearable. I find myself worrying that something might go wrong at the airport and I'd have to get a summer job here instead, which would drive me further into unadulterated caffeine consumption, no doubt.

I'm anxious about going home too. Something tells me there are some ghosts from my past ready to jump out and give me a nice scare. If only I could clearly list down all the hanky panky I'd been up to before coming here. Then I could properly prepare an alibi should any of them ever surface.

There's some people I'm dying to see. Two years without eye contact can either do some serious damage or bring us closer. I'll leave that one up to God. I just hope I can be more honest with myself this time around. If there's one thing I'd like to do when I return, it's that I'll try not lie to myself too much. Nevermind everyone else. I think being honest to myself is most important in growing up. I really do want to grow up and resonate more maturity in my actions. I think it's about time.

Maybe a bit more time in the sun will help jump start my growth spurt. So sun, here I come!

red

Going out to meet dear Feyza

(in the midst of throwing stuff into my oversized purse filling my water bottle)

Red flowered pinnafore and a red T
Red scarf and a red mp3 player
Red-striped bag and brownish-red loafers.

Wonder what Feyza's gonna be wearing today.

Identity theft

Identity Theft

It started innocently enough. A pm from an anonymous id claiming to be a long-time friend. I thought it was too, until I saw his picture and realized this was no one I've ever met and stopped replying to the repeated pms asking to be friends. By then it was too late. He'd already gotten hold of my password and started taking extensive liberties with my yahoo id. Immagine the nerves on that guy.

Explaining what he set out to do next would take up too much of my precious time, as this is one mental case that's gone far beyond repair with not a shred of hope for recovery. As the process of remedying this dire situation has taken up more than a day while I'm still trying to finish my research paper with time that is getting more and more limited with each letter I type in this here blog, I am not keen on letting that go on for much longer.

Suffice it to say that from this day forth I will forever be suspicious of anonymous pms starting a conversation that seems to have dropped off somewhere and therefor does not warrant any introduction as to why the window pops up with 'aduh, lama betul tak online. Ingat nak suruh comment pasal my pics kat sabah...' Boy did I fall for that one.

And I will forever, from this day forth, get a mini-heart attact everytime the internet acts up and I get signed out of ym for no apparent reason, as that is how this whole caboozle of an identity theft came to my attention.

This humble blog of mine doesn't receive too many visitors, I admit, but I'm still so overwhelmed by the notion of someone taking liberties with my id, at my expanse nonetheless, that I'm inclined to post yet another tell-all of this tale so that the odd acquaintance who happens to stumble upon this page might know that as of 4.30pm on November 5th 2006, the id 'sage_blossom' no longer belongs to yours truly but to some sanity-deprived individual who has thus far displayed a comforting level of unintelligence. I have reason to believe that this individual has access to my email as well, therefor please disregard anything and everything coming from the email add sage_blossom@yahoo.com. If in doubt, simply converse with him in English and you'll find him stuttering and painfully making excuses without actually giving a response. No offense to non-english speakers, this is just an obvious trait I noticed within the short time I communicated with him. Oh and by the way, he is IT savvy to a frightening degree, at least for an internet-for-dummies reader like myself.

This is to caution you on what this internet predator (getting too emotional? I think NOT!!) might stoop to, so please be careful. And if all else fails to instill at least a morsel of fear/caution in you, think of this...IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!

I'm inclined to state his yahoo id here so anyone with enough guts might venture in my shoes for a while and see what that does to your cyber exitence, but then again, I'm not going to be responsible for this guy's success in securing his next victim for whatever purpose.

With that said, I'm going back to my unwavering pile of assignments.

Raya ke-3

raya ketiga

I woke up this morning to a muted sunrise. I sat up in bed with my eyes shut and felt the rays on my eyelids. It was cool so I pulled the covers up to my chin and sat like that for a while. I wanted to savor that moment because it was something I'd lost and might never get back.

The soft breeze that was blowing into the room, the thin curtains that was transforming the light, and the smell of food as Kak N heated them up on the kitchen stove.

All that brought me back to when I was about nine or ten years old in my grandmother's bed on the waning days of raya. There'd be the clang of cutlery being used, my mom, my grandmother and my aunts' contstant chatter pulling me out of bed and onto the cool wooden floor. I'd sit on the 'bendul' in the kitchen along with my cousins, waiting for our turn to shower. My mom would be sitting at the dining table with her cup of 'teh susu', on the chair right next to the window where the 'pokok cermai' constantly peaks through. I'd lean against the wall and drift in and out of sleep until I hear my grandmother hurrying me into the bathroom. She'd be talking about some distant relative or another that we just had to go and visit that day because there was no better time to go than now.

I love that time. It was simple, it was safe and I was happy although I didn't realize at the time that I was. Happy. Nothing more and nothing less and that was that.

And somehow this morning, aeons away from what that was, I caught a glimpse of it and managed to hold on and for a brief moment I was, again, happy like that.

Pretty near

Pretty near

'Leave perfection to God. Us humans gotta settle with pretty near.'

I came across that line in the book 'Mother of Pearl' several years ago.
The particular character who uttered those words have long faded from my memory.
That line found a permanent place in me.
At that time in my life, I wasn't always particularly aware of God's presence. Somehow that line held a certain appeal to me.
Thinking back on it now, they make perfect sense.
Since these last few weeks I have been struggling with a gargantuan load of assignments.
Time and again I kept having a nagging feeling that I could have done better.
I could have started earlier, I could have done more research, I could have spent more time exploring my options.
The end product of my labours could have been better.
Then I'd remember that line. Leave perfection to God.
We humans should strive as hard as we can, do the best we can. We humans are flawed, in every way, only as a reminder that we are just that, humans.
In the end only God can achieve perfection.

Our deeds are not judged by the fruits of our labour.
All we are asked to do is to strive, and the rewards are accorded to us on our efforts.
Leave perfection to God.

I pray that God gives me the strength to strive in the best of my abilities and I thank Him for everyday that I am given.

Allah tidak jemu

"Allah tidak jemu selagi kamu tidak jemu"

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku,
Jauhkanlah bisikan-bisikan syaitan yang berteleku di hati hambaMu ini
Bersihkanlah hatiku agar terus khusyuk mengabdikan diri kepadamu
Terangilah hatiku dan lapangkanlah dadaku agar sentiasa sedia menerima petunjuk dan hidayah kurniaanmu
Sesungguhnya aku hamba yang maha lemah dan mudah tergelincir dari jalanMu yang benar

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku,
tenangkanlah hati ini yang sentiasa berbolak-balik dari mengingatiMu
jauhkanlah diri ini dari kesesatan yang tidak aku sedari

Sesungguhnya Engkaulah Tuhan yang Maha Mendengar lagi Maha Mengetahui segala isi hati hamba-hambaNya.

aamin.

saying goodbye

if a picture paints a thousand words

a single word might just say it all

goodbye comes in a single syllable

signs in a single wave of the hand

or in a final turn of the face

letting go of the past could be so easy

if only you could just.....let go

holding on the a past that can never be

makes you age faster than time allows

once the past finally escapes your grasp

you realize the wrinkles, the aches and worst of all

the time lost that can never come back.

To the ones I love most...

To the ones I love most...

sometimes communicating with the ones closest to you can be the hardest
best intentions don't cut it at all, no matter how you try to explain it
often times feelings get hurt even when it's the last thing you want to do
sometimes it's better to just say it and hope the words might work some magic
sometimes it's best to take a step back and let time take it's due course
but always, always, turn to Allah and you'll have the answer

"Actions are but by intention and every man shall have but that which he intended..."

ya Allah, know that my intentions, truly, are pure, but only You know the best outcome for each and everyone of us....

misses

I miss...

• teh ais kat arked meranti
• panjat bukit kat krp, across the parking lot kat b11 and up at least 3 flights of steps to get to studio on time
• sitting at the wakaf and swatting nyamuk while waiting to settle some matters at the pejabat FAB
• going down at least 3 tingkat to the water cooler, filling up my bottles and naik balik at least 3 tingkat.
• making up my cubicle
• eating in my cubicle
• sleeping in my cubicle
• napping at iPrint while waiting for my designs to be printed
• pisang goreng, cendawan goreng and keropok lekor at taman U
• roti canai at alif/ayob

to be continued...

Simple pleasures

Simple pleasures

early morning drizzle and a cup of tea
mid morning shower and a book in bed
late afternoon nap and a coffee after
crisp, clean sheats on my bed
a yellowed leaf on the window pane
sun-scented laundry fresh off the line
new fluffy socks on my feet
a walk on rain-specked curbs
fallen pine needles clinging to my sweater
morning dew wet on my palms

and a thankfulness for it all.

alhamdulillah.

Human

We humans are the most contradictory of all creations.

Every other creature on earth bar none obeys without question the laws ordained by their Maker upon them.

Water was created to nourish life and therefor it flows into the earth bringing life to plants, animals and humans alike.

Birds are given wings and so they fly through the vastness of the sky.

Fish are bestowed with gills and so they swim the wide seas holding secrets only God knows of.

The sun was created to give light and so it rises day after day calling us rise with it and make good the hours given to us.

The moon is called upon to guide us through the dark hours and it does so without question or doubt.

Every other creature on earth bar none obeys without question the laws ordained by their Maker upon them.

We humans are created to govern the earth as God has ordained upon us but we choose to create our own laws of chaos and disorder.

We humans are created to worship the one and only God and yet we put our utmost dependency on the most material of things.

We humans are the given a teacher, a book and a promise in the hereafter but chose to follow the godless laws of syaitan under the guise of ignorance.

We humans are given the clear choice of heaven or hell and we choose hell for a bit of merriment which will not last.

We humans are told to do good and turn away from evil and yet we set out to do the exact opposite.

We humans are given one chance after another to return to the straight path and yet we choose to go astray until it is too late to turn anywhere at all.

We humans know in our hearts that all this is true and yet we choose to ignore it.

We humans really are the most contradictory of all creations.

al-Mu'minun : 71 "And if the truth had been according to their desires, verily the heavens and the earth and everything therein shall be destroyed!! Nay, We have brought them their reminder, but they turned away from their reminder."

Wallahu'alam bis sawaab....

Thank you Mastq....

"yo queen of misconception... my name is king of ego.. i reign the country of hearts... i have many kingdoms, far and vast, that never fails to bow down to me...
there are some of those rebellious subjects that defy my soverignity...
They claim that these kingdoms of hearts do not belong to me, but they belong to a Greater Being, He who created everything, including me!! How dare these little pests to make such a claim!
They said that they hold the Book of Answers, the Book of Measures, the Book of Judgement, to which my kingdoms should submit to...
Somehow I have a feeling that they are winning, and I'm losing...
in the fight to rule THE piece of meat, that controls my eyes, feets and hands and mind...
THE HEART.

"dan sekiranya baik daging itu, maka akan baiklah seluruh anggota badan yg lainnya, dan sekiranya buruk daging itu, maka akan buruklah seluruh anggota lainnya. daging itu adalah HATI"-Hadith- "

Sadaqallah al-azim

jump to conclusion

Hello, I'm the queen of misconception. I jump to conclusions faster than a marsh toad and I judge others harshly against my own yard stick. I form my opinion on matters of which I have little or no knowledge and broad-brush-apply it to every situation. To top it off, I'm too arrogant to admit it and furthermore apolagise for it.
And your name is...?

Lost2

I'm at a lost. There's something I need to get off my chest. Something that's been worrying me for quite a while. I need to talk to someone who can understand the weight of the matter and not brush it aside as something trivial. For now it's you my dear bloggy :p

Fade

Happy birthday kak Itot. [I'm updating this blog specially for you :D]

Everything fades
Colours, the past, friendships, photos
It is a sad certainty, but inevitable nontheless
If I could frame a time, to look upon on a day other than this
It would be now, which fades like any other
If only I could say that things'll never change
for you, for me or for them
It would mean taking back all I had given
So to fade is to stay
forever in this way, unchanged.

sometimes

Sometimes I look at other people's lives and wonder why that happiness isn't in mine
Sometimes I walk down the road wondering where it's actually leading me
Sometimes I say something that makes me wonder where those really came from
Sometimes I look at some people and wonder what I had done wrong
Sometimes I look at myself and wonder if I'd ever done anything right.

All about Lin

Haha yes kak Ila, ni aku curi from your page kehkehkeh....

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Lin!

1. The average human spends about 30 days during their life in lin!
2. It's bad luck to put lin on a bed.
3. During the reign of Peter the Great, any Russian nobleman who chose to wear lin had to pay a special lin tax!
4. Lin is the only bird that can swim but not fly.
5. 99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as lin!
6. Contrary to popular belief, lin is not successful at sobering up a drunk person, and in many cases she may actually increase the adverse effects of alcohol.
7. The pharoahs of ancient Egypt wore garments made with thin threads of beaten lin!
8. Lin can squeeze her entire body through a hole the size of her beak!
9. The canonical hours of the Christian church are matins, lauds, prime, terce, sext, none, lin and compline.
10. If you put a drop of liquor on lin, she will go mad and sting herself to death!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

When sleep eludes me

When sleep eludes me

It's five past one in the a.m. and my eyes are still wide open.

When I was a kid I had this somewhat macabre way of putting myself to sleep. It didn't work all the time, but enough times to make me attempt it again and again.

The thrill it gave me is the same reason why we go on rollers coaster rides or watch horror movies that we know would scare us silly. It's that jolt we sometimes need to remind us that we still have a pulse. I've only recently been able to articulate it as...feeling alive.

How? I'd scare myself to sleep.

The subject of my horror always lays half in darkness, his only visible features are the eyes, bloodshot and bulging. Arms by his side, he stands there watching me, at my bedside. Sometimes he's at the window, fingers gripping the grill and face pressed up against the glass. I'd imagine his rasping breath, wheezing and wheezing, the stench of rot floats over me. The clearer I see him in my mind, the more real he'd become.

Pretty soon I'd be curled up in a tight ball of limbs and covers.

My eyes are shut tight against the horror that was watching me, simply watching me, not making a sound but I can him saying, "I'm here. I know you're awake. You summoned me from your wildest imagination and here I am. Open your eyes and see me...."

This would be about the time I pull the covers way over my head and drown my face in my pillows.

Oh crap, I'm still sitting in front of my pc...

Hawa

Tanpa Adam tiada Hawa
Tanpa perempuan tiada lelaki
Cedekiawan pernah berkata, " di sebalik lagenda lelaki, mesti berdiri serikandi perempuan".
Bagaimana?
Kalau tidak secekal Ibrahim, jangan mahukan setabah Hajar
Jika tidak sejujur Usman, jangan inginkan sesetia Nailah
Kalau tidak sekacak Yusuf, jangan angankan secantik Zulaikha
Jika tidak sebijak Sulaiman, jangan hendakkan sepandai Balqis
Kalau tidak seteruna Ali, jangan idamkan sesuci Fatimah
dan jika tidak seagung Muhammad S.A.W., jangan mimpikan semulia Khadijah serikandi Islam.


Hubungan Adam dan Hawa by Iqa Ghazali,
Jelita December 2005

Kak Nani is here!! Whoopidiydooo...

Rain

Rain

It's raining outside
It was raining when I stepped out of the shower this morning
It was raining when I had my breakfast tea
It was raining when I caught the bus to the city
It was raining when I was heading to the house and it was raining when I left a few hours later
It was raining when I ducked into the library
It was raining when I came out with an armfull of books

It was raining when I sat down with a cup of coffee
It was raining while I contemplated my life before me
It was raining as I felt the cold metal against my finger tips
It was raining when I pulled the trigger
And it rains on, still, though my life is over.

It really has been raining all day, and I am somewhat in a melancholic mood, thus the verses.

Looks can be deceiving

Looks can be deceiving

Correction - looks ARE deceiving. Very often people don't let on who they are or what they really are like the first time you meet them. Well, at least not in my case. Now that I think of it, seldom do my innitial impression of someone I've just met stay unchanged. Or is that because I was too judgemental? I have recently been strongly reminded of how different people can be once you get past the introduction. Its also a reminder for me not to jump to conclusions. Ever. As noble as it may sound, it's probably a hard one for me to achieve. I have to admit I put on a mask upon meeting someone new. It's nothing personal or because I dislike that person. I see it simply as a reactory defense mechanisme. When welcoming something unknown into your environment, you're bound to be weary and put out receivers. As for me, I only let my guard down when I feel comfortable with the new person, be it male or female, young or old. I admit I am quite a timid person, or have become a lot more so, and thus familiarising with new individuals take time and effort. Some may take me as aloof and unfriendly but hey, through this natural process of acclimatising, I have acquired some very supportive and pleasent group of companions, people I feel completely at home with. So for those who feel I don't warm up to others fast enough, in the words of Bartholomew Simpson, 'eat my shorts'. Otherwise just be patient. I'll come around soon enough.

Summertime

Summertime

The past few nights have been visited by rain. I guess the hot scorching period of summer is over. Clouds drift by when there were none at all before. At times the air gets so thick you can hardly breath. Humidity is a suffocator. Shirts stick to peoples' backs and armpits dampen within minutes. Shadows come and go too quickly to matter. Yet I have in me this resolute calmness that doesn't seem to go away. I sit with my chin resting on my hand, I listen to the leaves rustling, and I pondered. I wanted to fill this first summer of mine with something worth recalling. Significant occurance are sparse but little glimpses of niceness are abundant. Perhaps I should try to record those little moments and stop looking for that life changing event that might never come. Perhaps it's time to focus on those little things. Perhaps it's time to move on. Perhaps.

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me...

A poem on a birthday card from my 10-year-old baby brother to me:

Badgers are grumpy
but you are not
But don't forget the family
Because we love you lots.

Aww....miss you to no end Kimi!

Summerbreak blues

Summer holiday blues

It' s been a looooong while....
So many things has happened since
insignificant to others but highly important to me
For the good ones I thank Allah the almighty
for the bad ones I thank Him too, for the wisdom that i gained.


Change. It's never easy. Human beings are creatures of habit, be it good habits or bad. My inner self is my biggest enemy in changing for the better. The old saying rings true; bad habits are easy to form and hard to lose. Somehow my nafs (i.e. syaitan) manages to mask them as something good or harmless.

"...Syaitan has lost hope that he will ever lead you astray in big things, so beware of him leading you astray in small things..."

-the Prophet's PBUH last sermon

It scares me how many of those small things I might be doing this very minute. Nevertheless, I thank Allah almighty for the wisdom He has granted me thus far.

this is cool

this is cool

Malam ini

Malam ini...
Makan-makan
Facial mask
Pakai inai
Ice cream cone after ice cream cone
Heaven...

Change

What a big change I'm going through right now.
I hope it stays. I've never had more courage to go through this change as I had before. My only regret is that the people who matter most can't seem to understand it. Perhaps, in time, and by the will of God, they might.
That's all I have to say of it for now.

The Village

The Village

The more I watch Syamalan’s Signs, the more I feel like being creative. He’s created a total niche for himself in the film industry with his pregnant silences between lines, wide shots prolonged, making you feel like popping your head through the screen and turning that door knob and going through the door yourself. The music builds up at just the right time, making a scene of a plain farm house with a dog out front represent so much more than…...what it is. A lavish meal in the middle of a UFO crisis seems like the normal thing to do. Syamalan’s a movie-making genius.
Having come to that conclusion, I’m somehow reminded of a particular scene that happened more than a year ago. We were all converging once more on the holy campus of UTM Skudai to for the convocation of the 2003/2004 graduates. Fakrul had just arrived that morning, if memory serves right, and Kak Ila joined us for the customary movie at CS. We saw Syamalan’s The Village. For some reason it didn’t impress me to the extent that it did Fakrul and Kak Ila. For a pragmatist and realist like me, the movie had too many loopholes to qualify as spellbinding. We had a somewhat friendly ‘discussion’ about it in the car, the usual dissecting of particular scenes and analysis, the plot, characters, etc. Fakrul proclaimed the movie to be the best of Syamalan’s work thus far and Kak Ila agreed, to some extent. I disagreed. Fakrul got somewhat emotional about that, upset that The Village wasn’t perfect in everyone’s mind. I got a little pissed that I was supposed to agree that it is, otherwise I’m not up to standard with everybody else. I don’t remember Kak Ila saying much but we all got quite for a moment after that and changed the topic.
I’m not writing about this out of spite, but rather out of amusement. Seeing how obsessive people get over something as menial as a movie amuses me. To all parties involved, feel free to contribute and correct me where I might have erred. I’m sure we’ve all grown and matured enough to be able to laugh at this little insignificant incident. Go ahead, have a laugh. I sure did.

requiem for my daytime illusory

requiem for my daytime illusory

I leaned back and found the shoulder

shut my eyes and sleep came easy

had my arms wrapped around my torso

breathed an easy sigh

what a cosy little picture we were, here,now

my head rolled sideways and a hand came up to steady it

my self slumbered east, my vision hovered above

intently absorbing all this unwarranted kindness

did I deserve it?

others started leaving, the place emptied

but we stayed

I slept till daylight visited

this bliss seemed go on forever

but i awoke up to my empty room

once again.

naturally.

Tassie Trip Trappings

Tassie Trip

Went to Tassie!! The flight was aweful and the rain at touchdown wasn't exactly the welcome I was expecting, but things were pretty much smooth-sailing right after they picked me up from the airport. The first thing to grab my attention was the cold. The winds reached in and grabbed my lungs the way Brisabane's winter never could. The other thing I noticed was the town. Launceston is what Brisbane would have been if the scale was shrunk down to a fifth it's original size. The pace was completely laid-back, cars were few and buses even fewer. The fact that the girls were able to find a massive bungalow house in a fully residential area for less than $200 a week says it all. Wish life was that inexpensive here in Brissy. Shop attendants remembered us shopping the day before, remembered the bag I bought but came to exchange, remembered the one I was agonizing over whether or not to buy. Little cafes dotted every block and bakeries were abundant. I guess they are somewhat of a neccessity for a hide-out whenever the cold gets out of hand. It was spring, I was shivering beneath Echa's parka, and she tells me this is probably as hot as it gets. Winter averages between eight and nine degrees celcius. I would have stared at her with my mouth gaping, except that it was so cold so my teeth was chattering and the incredilous look on my face was lost on her. Darn this cold...

Amy

For a moment I forgot about my excitement and anxiety. The flight there was bad, the passengers next to me made it worse. My head started swimming and my throat started pushing down bile. The book I was reading suddenly held no appeal to me whatsoever. The headache I was having made sure I couldn't keep reading anyway. I find myself checking the time precisely every five minutes. I just wished there was a fast-forward button I could push. The couple next to me calls on the flight attendant for maybe the thousandth time, and she appears with the every-ready smile and perkiness that was too pleasant to be true. Another shudder, another tremor, the plane goes through another air-pocket. I turn the overhead light off and try to get some shut-eye. The drinks arrived the smell of alcohol made want to puke my gutts out all over the seat, just for the sake of passing time. I shut my eyes and drifted between wakefulness and a dreamless sleep. A bump, I jolted awake to the pilot's announcement of touch down in fifteen minutes. Thank God. I took my time getting to my feet, shouldering my bags, walk down the aisle, out the door and into the rain. Perfect. Rain drops pelted me sideways and I pulled my coat tighter against the cold wind. My face was drenched in seconds. I stepped through the glass doors, looking for waving hands. Someone grabbed me from my right and there she was. The terminal was so small that people could actually welcome arrivals right there in the tarmac. The irony of it didn't escape me. Before I could say a word she'd already engulfed my i a hug longer than I would usually stand for. And yet I felt at home, finally with someone I can let my guards down completely. We stood there hugging each other and I realized it's been almost a year since we last saw each other. I hugged her back and it all seemed worth it. I'm finally here. With my bestest friend in the world.

Sepet

I finally saw it. I loved it. I finally get it.....

King Chi

Weird Moments

Torn up in indecision over the most trivial of things.

KC : Oh, is that your friend?

me : Yup.

KC : The one you told me about?

me : Yup.

KC : Oh, ok. (wide smile)

me : Yeah...haha...(stupid grin, don't ask why)

KC : Hmm...

me : .......

Ever been in that situation where you're seriously contemplating whether or not to persue a conversation? You open your mouth to say more but your mind gets flooded with all these questions...

Should I tell her more? Should I offer more details? Should I let her in further into my mundane life? Does she need to know? Would she care to know? Does she even want to know this little bit of worthless information about me? Should I? Should I? Should I?

And so within the few seconds where my jaw opens and shuts without any intelligence forthcoming, the moment passess. House comes back on and I'm back to narrating every single scene in the episode till another commercial break comes on.

Life is weird, but I sure am weirder.....

Payday

Ohhh,the sweet life is here...

I love my part-time job. I love it even more on Sundays (payday)!

I love the new book I just got myself as a reward for a whole week of work.

I love the cover with the irradescent blue sky and the red earth if Ulluru and the Aborignal spirit child with a pink lilly and a blue dress.

I love curling up in bed at night with the book and the night lamp on.

I love waking up in the mornings and reaching for the book first thing and reading until I feel like getting out of bed.

I love this state of no-stress, no-worries, no-deadlines.

And there's still two more weeks of 'em coming.

Alhamdulillah....

Life Is Beautiful

Life is Beautiful

Submissions' over, exams are over, portfolio's done. I can finally do the things I like, anytime I like. Sleep, read, cook, read, go to the park, read some more. Do some reading up on architecture stuff. My lecturer Steffan suggested it and, like the naive student that I probably am, I'm going to do just that.

And of course, work.

I can't begin to describe how the timing sucks on this. I'm on part-time now, during the holidays. I can only go into full-time when the semester starts. Well I guess I should be thankful that at least I've got a job. Money issues pressing as usual, the phone call home is torturous. Gotta learn to come through on my own this time.

Please God, give me strength.

In the meantime, picnic next weekend!!

work

This is definitely wierd, and a wee bit pathetic. I'm addicted to my new job. Nothing seriously to be worried about, except that my new job is making kebabs in a Lebanese restaurant. Maybe I've never worked like this before. Maybe it's because I've never really had to work. Maybe because I've never worked in the food business before. So many maybe's, so little time...to work.

What the heck am I talking about?!!!

you

YOU

What does it say about you when someone tries to avoid your company? How are you supposed to feel, knowing that person doesn't want to be with you because you might have done something? Or that that person wants to get away from you because you are...simply the way you are? Knowing that what you should be feeling is guilt but the sinking feeling of being unwanted threatens to pull you down. Do you confront that person and ask? And risk getting hurt? Risk being put in a place you know you don't deserve to be? Perhaps I do know the reason, and perhaps I don't want to know it.

Oscar Wilde

If only...

"I am not young enough to know everything."
-Oscar Wilde


Ouch...reminds me of my teenage years when I actually thought, no make that believed, that I know everything. Well, maybe not everything but at least better than my parents did. Those years of dumbness.....*sigh*