"the pieces of my broken heart are so small they can pass through the eye of a needle..."

Colour Me Clueless

It's a few minutes past midnight and I can hardly close my eyes. I've just had a final discussion with my dad and we've decided that I should go for it. Of all the momentous decisions I've made in my life thus far, this one in particular has kept me up nights the most. I'm excited at the prospects of pursuing my life's passion.

But.

It scares me witless that I am leaving the field that I've been immersed in for the past seven years. ( I can't believe it's been that long!) And I probably won't have anything to show for all those years of toil. I can probably psyche myself up for one final year but I'm worn out from the struggle to do well at something that I clearly have no aptitude for. It is probably wiser to stick to something that I am thoroughly familiar with, passion or no passion.

But.

All the years of watching Oprah and real life-changing stories has taught me that it's never too late to make a change. (Take that principle to another level and it's never too late for anything, really!) So now I'm going to make the first tentative step into a field I have no knowledge about but has been a passion all my life.

But.

I'm paralysed with fear, at times, at the thought that I might fail again. My reason for leaving architecture is because it's never been my passion. I was divided as to where to head for my future when my sister came back from her first semester and told me how exciting it was and I thought, heck, I can manage that. Writing's always been my passion since childhood. It's something I've always excelled at. Somehow it never crossed my mind to seriously pursue it. Rather, I never had the guts. This is something I'm passionate about and if I fail at it, then what? I'd be beyond devastation.

But.

Someone reminded me that failing is good. That this is something I am good at. It's the one person who saw right off that this is the right decision. (Boy am I glad to still have friends like that!) My mom was cautiously encouraging. My dad was initially reluctant but I know he's mostly concerned about my future well being.(I must have gone through a dozen vocations before finally settling on architecture.) I'm so blessed to be surrounded by such smart, supportive and loving people. I'm so blessed to have God on my side, i'Allah.

So here goes nothing.

Mok

I was browsing through my sister's wedding photos when I came across one of her. The camera caught her unawares when she happened to look up so she had a somewhat dazed expression on her face. At that moment I felt nothing but sadness for her. She's been showing early symptoms of Alzheimer's for a while now. I kept thinking of how confusing everything must seem to her. How nothing makes any sense anymore. I wish so much that I could be by her side making things easy. Right now I'm overwhelmed with guilt that I'm a thousand miles away chasing my dreams and she's a thousand miles away, ailing in old age. She's surrounded by people who care for her and are fully capable of looking after her well being. But still, there's no way to justify my absence from her side. Now the wheels are set in motion and I'm headed in a different direction from home. Worst of all, I'm afraid I don't have the guts to simply drop everything I've planned for my future and return to her side.

Mok, I miss you so badly right now.

It's 'Singles Week'

My parents were never the type to compare their children to other people's children and they weren't the type to compare their children to one another either. I never felt I had to do better than any of my siblings. The pressure to live up to my sister's achievements came from my dad telling me that I can, if I ever chose to.

But that all changed when my sister got married.

During the weeks leading up to her wedding, I must have thought about suicide at least a dozen times.

All my parents had to do was to keep asking me who my boyfriend was and right away I'd feel like a loser. Add to that the dozens of relatives who keep asking when my lucky day was going to be. (not to mention the dozens more who thought I was the elder sibling and why on earth wasn't I married yet!) They had the passive-aggressive method down to a T!

I later discovered that lots of my friends were going through pretty much the same thing. While it may seem like our society has come a long way since whenever(KLCC, Sheikh Muzaffar, Putrajaya), pretty much the same mindset still applies to the average human life cycle.

Get born, grow up, study further (or not), get a job, get married, have lots of kids and live happily ever after (or not).

I'm not one of those picketing women's lib fanatic demanding for equal rights all the way down being able to walk around topless. I admit that I do want to find my 'other half' and share at least a few years of bliss before kicking the bucket. I'm just disappointed to know that our society still sees a woman as being incomplete so long as she walks around without a ring on her finger.

Our society's definition of success is still a tad shallow, I think.

There goes my childhood

Memories are always too far away to reach into. I have just recieved a sad news - the plot of land where I cultivated the best of my childhood moments is about to be bought over for development. The urban crawl that has for years embraced my kampung on all sides has finally decided to take over. I can get all melancholic on all the happy moments I have had with my cousins there but I won't - that's for another day. My relatives co-owning that piece of land are about to becoming overnight-millionaires. I hope they make good of the financial fortune that's about to be bestowed upon them. I hope they appreciate the invisible sacrifice that's about to happen.

get me outta this funk

I've been trying to catch the frost for days now and have successfully failed to do so. I used to be a very light sleeper. Even the 'gembala kerbaus' that frequented my window could easily wake me up. Nowadays I wake up to my mom already clanking away in the kitchen or tapping away at the computer and Kimi already gone for school. I blame the chilly weather. It's caused the comfort level of my duvet to rise exponentially. All the hours I spend on the computer is also making me want to go out walking more and more to burn off some fat. Considering the steadily dropping temperatures, I can safely say that my sudden urge to be active has a rotten sense of timing.

where to now?

The winds are picking up and the chill has settled itself comfortable on the lawn. The autumn hues that greeted my arrival are slowly fading. Leaves are leaving the withering branches and more nests are comng into view, its inhabitants almost done with scampering around for food and spending more time at home. Kak Nani and Abang Isyak have gone home and I've waved goodbye to that ship. Their departure signalled the end of our holiday. Now it's time to get back to business.

I am, once again, unable to make up my mind on where to head for my future. I hate that phrase sometimes. MY FUTURE. Sounds so big and conspicuous and forboding. One wrong decision and I'm screwed for life. In reality getting to 'my future' consists of a million humble little steps that would probably measure up to nothing when accounted on their own.

Give a person the luxury of choice and he (or she, i.e. me) will never make up his mind. So much to choose from, so much time to spend ruminating on the choices and such heavy consequences weighing on each one. How, oh, how is one to choose?

The winds of change are pulling at my sleeves and I have indecision holding my feet firmly to the ground.