Tradeoff

The big deal

Life is a constant trade-off.

You can smoke but you gotta have cancer.
You can binge on that piece of cake but you gotta deal with the extra pounds.
You can fall in love but you gotta deal with the heartaches.
You can lose your temper at someone but you gotta face the gnawing regret afterwards.
You can tell a white lie but you gotta face the ones that follow.
You can get wasted tonight but you gotta have that hang-over tomorrow morning.

You can have independence but you gotta face the loneliness.

Life is a constant trade-off.

Everything comes with a price.

Work out

Ab cruncher

Working out sucks. Especially if you've lapsed for almost a year. I didn't want to start because I didn't think it would be very affective. Now I want to stop because it actually is straining my muscles.
Oh damn, it's time for another session....

Yellow

Yellow

I am so yellow. Someone jumps the queue at the post office the other day and all I did was grit my teeth. I was quite eloquent on what I'd do to the friggin lady, but it was all contained in my head, of course. Well, it wouldn't be polite of me, since the two ladies were older than me. And they were both teachers delivering SPM exam papers. Of course they'd want it to be delivered as soon as possible, right? That's probably why they forgot to take a number, right? After all, they are teachers. Why would they jump queue? It's purely inethical, something teachers don't normally do. Maybe they didn't notice that you were supposed to take a number because not all post offices have that practice. All the more reason for me to be a little bit more patient than usual, right? An added fifteen minutes' patience, that is. But that's not too long in the practice of courtesy. Plus, there is that saying, 'One good turn deserves another'. I do this now and somebody will return the favor later, right?

Oh heck, I'm such a coward!

Hassler

Hassler

The eternal optimist. That's what he is. That is what's gotten him through the break-up. Besides the controversy and the turbulence that followed, I wonder if anyone has noticed what a trooper he has been. It took me some time to realize that, too. Ever since he got dumped (unmercifully), all he's been talking about was improving himself. I wasn’t surprised to find him talking about his ex during our whole outing last Friday. What piqued my interest was that he seemed to be strongly driven now. He tells me about his future plans. He changed jobs based on what would better his prospects as a designer. He's planning to get into small-time businesses so that he'd be better equipped for the commercial aspects of architectural practice. He even has an entire outline of what he wants to achieve within the next few months! And they're all realistic and pretty objective. He talked about one of his life-long dreams and prompted me into thinking about my own dreams. My ultimate goal in life. I do have one, but that's another story. As a friend, I'm happy for him. Happy to see that he's taken the best out of the worse tragedy in his young adult life and turned it into a challenge to better himself. To the optimist, I wish you all the best. May the good times last, and the bad times make you stronger.

Medical

Medicals

For all the advances of modern medicine, there is still no solution to extracting human urine samples without scathing the esteem. And it didn't help that the bathrooms were waaayyy across the room. I was given the luxury of parading my bottle of bladder content to the entire waiting room. Kak Nani laughed into her magazine, which actually called more attention to me! The nurse attending to my check up was also interesting. She sounded irritated during the whole time. I mean, I can understand if she sounded bored, with a sick-to-death-with-my-job kind of attitude, but irritated? With me, a complete stanger? And then she actually laughed at me when I almost tripped off the weigheing scale! Go figure.

To add to the day's excitement, there was a guy who tried to hit on me. He didn't look all that bad, and I can pretty much handle the embarassment and awkwardness of the situation, but he had that added asset that completely blew me off my feet. He had this amazingly - how do I put it gently? - strong odur coming from his mouth. I don't mean to sound mean, but this is definitely one thing you should take care of at all times. I didn't want to come off as stand-offish, so I tried to answer him as best I can without overly-encouraging the conversation. I don't think I did too well, though, since he kept trying to make small talk. All I could do was pray. I almost kissed the doctor when she finally called me in!

My X-rays should be in by Monday, and they'll forward it to the Australian High Comission then. After that, it's another two weeks before I know if the Aussies'll let me in.

Now here comes the wait....*sigh*

Hearts Aflutter

Love is a thing with feathers

you see it flying, fluttering around

you reach out to it, palms grasping

but it alludes your hands, furthermore your heart

keeps you running and keeps you chasing

all the way to the end, and back to the start

you tire and you sweat, bitter tears flow

then it lands on your heart, holds your hand

takes you for a flight, and never let go....

Photo failure

Pfoto Failure

I am Shazlin's raging disappointment.

I was so hoping some spectacualr shots from our picnic today, but most came out mediocre.

I guess I am one of those who have to shoot a hundred shots to get one good photo.

Actually, I don't mind that very much. I'm just afraid that failure after bleeding failure will wear me down to the point of giving up.

I am Shazlin's frail determination.

I wish I had the magic touch, like some others. Their photos just seem to come out best in whatever light, whatever angle. The outcomes of my photos seem to depend more on my surroundings, rather than my abilities, my talents. Or do I actually have any?

I am Shazlin's illusive, perhaps non-existant talent.

I am past questioning my motives for endeavoring in this field, I am quite clear on that. I just need to persist a little longer, drive a little further. The whole set might not come out great, but there's always a gem here and there that needs a little digging up. I hope.

I am Shazlin's hope, sometimes fading, other times overshadowed, but always, always there.

Raya Blues

Raya Blues

End of the first day of Eid at home. Almost got off to a bad start with Mama ringing her alarm a little too early in the morning. But things got off just fine after that.
The ketupat was a bit of a disappointment, the kuah kacang was spectacular, the nasi tomato and ayam masak merah rendered me speechless.
I have to admit, the only thing significant today was the change in food. We didn't see the need to extravagantly do up the house, just some extensive cleaning. While we watched TV and waited for the menfolk to return from Raya prayers, I sensed an air of sterility in the living room. Thanks to Kak Nani's polishing and scrubbing. The delicious smell of food is accredited to me!
We pushed off to Mak Chak's house. All of Feizal's siblings were there except for Bai Ali. Kak Syikin surprised me by asking about my plans to study in Australia. I've only met her once before, when she was pregnant with Tasya. We went on to a very nice conversation, one that regrettably ended due to too many people in too small a space. I still regret not talking to her more. Her little girl Tasya is an absolute doll. I was also quite happy to see Bai Fadzil, I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it was his jubah and nondescript white kopiah that made him appear humble, more approachable for a conversation, although I didn't quite like his somewhat detached wife.
We moved on to auntie Jah's house, where another overwhelming welcome awaits us. How and why my parents came to be such close friends with her and Uncle Hashim is still a little foggy to me. But I can see that auntie Jah adores my mum like a sister. Sadly, I do not think that the ties bonded now will continue to live between her children and my siblings. While our parents are tight, Kak Nani and I hardly know auntie Jah's grown children. There is promise of a remedy for this, provided I enlist the help of auntie Jah's son, Hatta, when I go to Brisbane next year.
I'm still fervently praying for that to come true this time.
Some of auntie Jah's relatives arrived while we were there. I was touched to see how she persuaded my parents to stay longer, even then. These are precious friends, indeed. Suddenly, I feel urged to continue the ties for my parents' sake.
We finally drove home at four pm, with everyone asleep pretty much all the way home.
It's been a simple and quiet Raya this year, today.

Clothe thee

I know my mom sometimes balks at the way I dress. It amuses me, how she frets about how I look to others. It's not that I don't care. I just can't be bothered to get all dressed up for the grocers' or the lady at the laundromat. Being a female, I do have the desire to look good, but not all the time. Comfort comes first and formost for me, always.
I went through a sort of morphosis during my early varsity days. I started off with wanting to look good, but not exactly knowing how. I occasionally fell into the trap of dressing too comfortably that I tend to be sloppy.
Later, as I learned the tricks and turns of the trends, I found myself concerned with nothing but that - trends. Many a times I found myself looking quite uniformed to some others. That is something my ego utterly despised.
Finally, now, I am completely comfortable with myself. I dress according to how I want to look and feel. Trends do not play much of a role for me, neither is peer pressure. The only conditions I strive to fulfill are those of my religion.
I hope I never break those rules, no matter what the temptations might be.
I can't say that I am at a final phase of my personal fashion trend (everbody has one, by the way) but I am definitely comfortable with the stage I am at.

Daddy Dearest

I'm so glad my dad's gotten his health back. He got so sick, I started to get worried.

Not for no reason, too. For starters, my dad almost NEVER falls sick. But he did as soon as he got back from wretched Singapore. And he stayed sick for almost a week, and kept getting worse. I had a sinking feeling that the cold he was running might actually be something serious. Some underlying illness that's been repressed for too long. Being my paranoid self, I started imagining the worse scenario.

What if it was cancer?

What if he *gasp* passed away? (Na'uzubillah...)

What if..what if...

Selfishly, I wondered on how his absence would affect my future. I would definitely have to postpone any and all of my plans for studying abroad, or even studying at all. I'll work to help support my mom support the family. We'll probably have to sell off one of our cars and move some place cheaper. Maybe back to Sungai Petani, where life's easy and the people are great. I could consider earning my degree through SPACE. That way, I can study and earn a living at the same time.

Hmm...not a bad plan.

But then, my dad's fine now. Turns out it was just a sensitive nasal tract, which gets irritated very easily. Thank God. Alhamdulillah.

I may complain about him a lot, but my dad is everything to this family.

I thank God for reminding me of that fact.

Laws of Newton

The actions of others often have unremitting repercussions on me. I often think that I have a lot of confidence and stability in myself that I could not, would not be affected by what others do, but the truth speaks otherwise. Some peace of mind is what I am looking for, always.

Wake up, Shazlin! The universe does not evolve around you.

The Big Spill

The Big Spill

When I first started this blog, I thought it would be, among others, an escape.

Someplace I can spill my guts when I can't talk to any of my usual confidants.

I thought this would be my last resort.

Someplace I can say all of my worst fears and sadness to a pair of listening ears without being judged as pathetic or helpless.

But then I remembered, as few visitors as there are here, they are, never the less, people I know.

And so I am forced conceal some, if not all, of what's in my heart and my head.

Yes, damnit, what I am saying is that I have something to get off my chest and I've got nowhere to do it. Not even here, in a blog of my own creation. Perhaps I should have an anonymous blog elsewhere.

Hmm....now there's a thought....

Freak of Nature

Freak of Nature

Uh oh, there he is.

Damn, he caught my eye! Against my will. Now I have no escape.

I look around at my friends but they all seem to be engaged in some business or other.

Please God, let me get out of this alive!

He starts with a slow gait, as if getting to me was the last thing he intended to do. Turns and waves at somebody.

Oh, please drop the act coz you're not fooling anybody, much less me.

He leans a hand on the post, the other lands on his hip. Left foot crossed over right. A stupid grin spreads across his face, flashing 80% of his pearly whites.

Let me guess; this must be his chosen pose for the semester, meant to melt hearts and spread endless charm. Ugh, puh-leeeasse!

"So, shawty, how's it hangin mama!" Another flash of smile, 100% teeth.

Ugh.....shawty? Right.

Yuck.

Adios

Adios

*sigh*...

There's nothing like the loss of a friend....and one who's moved on, too. I just wish the innitial blow was more subtle, then I'd feel less like a loser all over again.

In the famous words of the infamous American pioneer,"I'll have to deal with this in my own time."