21 conversations

twenty conversations in my head/dear friend, where art thou???

Here in my part of the world, courtesy is handed out in small doses. There is no rush to let the ladies go first, to reply a gracious 'thank you' or to return an unwarranted but honest smile. Here in my part of the world, courtesy is a highly underrated commodity.

I walked into what I thought would be a positively career building interview and came out questioning my reason for choosing architecture as my life's vocation. Actually it didn't take much in the way of emotional bashing for me to start regretting my choices. I'd been questioning myself for some years now. Luckily enough, I have my dad's ability to simply ignore such gnawing questions and soldier on never mind everything else. I fear that the said question might again rise up to the surface to give me another scare.

Apart from life-impacting career decisions, my current situation consists of a thousand minial tasks which I set out to complete daily. I came home feeling as if my entire family's existance was in need of a major life-style overhaul. This is probably a mixed result of reality and my own sense of self-rightiousness. My family's not really in such a dire situation and I simply need something to occupy myself with while looking for a job.

There is an ongoing line of conversation that runs through my subconcios mind. I'd tune in and out of it unconciously. I'd be doing the dishes and suddenly realize that I was talking to an old friend about the minute details of dishwashing. Am I going nuts? I don't think so. I'm simply missing my friends, people with whom I'd spend hours talking about anything and everything. Currently none of them are at my disposal, so I guess my subconcious really is the next best thing. God, I really miss those long pointless conversations.

I'm home

home coming me / resuming homelife / my life is governed by the past

It took only two days at home to make me feel as if I hadn't been gone for the past two years.
It took Hakim's remarks on my obsession with the laundry to make me realize the above.
It took the drive home from the airport plus my dad's pep talk on getting a job a.s.a.p. to make me want to jump on the next plane headed for Brisbane (or anywhere else for that matter!).
It took exactly one week before I earned my first deadly serious glare from my dad. It took me half an hour to realize that he was giving me one. I take this as a positive sign that I'd been gone too long.

I'm still failing at going through one whole day without upsetting my mom (either intentionally or unintentionally. especially intentionally).
(while i was typing this, my dad came over to show me something which he'd just came over to show me about ten minutes ago. that was scary.)
I'm still failing at redirecting my continously-chewing-jaws to healthier dietary options besides left-over-kuih-raya and bananas. (neither one of which seem to be running out, mysteriously enough).
I am still failing in reducing the pile of junk I'd left behind two years ago. I usually manage to empty a box or two after hours of rumaging but I'm really just shuffling and redistributing them into different boxes. (I've considered dumping all the boxes since I've been able to survive the past two years without needing any of them but anyone who's ever owned anything in their lives would know that sentimentality makes that action virtually impossible so I might as well forget it).

I have, however, made it home safely, thanx be to God so, that makes everything look rosy from my end of the tunnel. life is sweet indeed.

Sun

Sun

I caught the sun rising today. It said hi to me so I waved back with as much optimism as I can muster. The day promises to be beautiful so I breathed easy and sipped my tea. Contemplating the hows of packing never got me anywhere, so I might just start randomly dumping all my stuff into boxes and label them with ingenous tags like "stationery and sorts" or "software + some other hard stuff" so I'd have something to smile about while unpacking them a year from now. If there ever was a plus side to saying goodbye, albeit a temporary one, it'd be the food and caffein. I've had more farewell luches and coffee meets that I can count on my hands. The pain of never seeing them again ( for the next year, more or less) is somewhat soothed by whatever caffeine-enhanced-beverage I chose for the day. Come to think of it, saying goodbye has been a lot of fun. The only friend I might worry about being honest when she said she'd miss me was my Turkish classmate. She relied quite heavily on my assistance for some of her major design assignments. I do hope I wasn't her last resort.
I brag rather sheepishly (try that expression in the mirror, you'll laugh yourself silly) to my friends that I've been packed and ready to go since last week. Strangely though, there's still a lot of stuff I feel I haven't touched. Up till last week I'd set my mind to not seeing my family and friends back home for at least two more years. Now that I'd decided to return, extending my stay for even another day seemed unbearable. I find myself worrying that something might go wrong at the airport and I'd have to get a summer job here instead, which would drive me further into unadulterated caffeine consumption, no doubt.

I'm anxious about going home too. Something tells me there are some ghosts from my past ready to jump out and give me a nice scare. If only I could clearly list down all the hanky panky I'd been up to before coming here. Then I could properly prepare an alibi should any of them ever surface.

There's some people I'm dying to see. Two years without eye contact can either do some serious damage or bring us closer. I'll leave that one up to God. I just hope I can be more honest with myself this time around. If there's one thing I'd like to do when I return, it's that I'll try not lie to myself too much. Nevermind everyone else. I think being honest to myself is most important in growing up. I really do want to grow up and resonate more maturity in my actions. I think it's about time.

Maybe a bit more time in the sun will help jump start my growth spurt. So sun, here I come!

red

Going out to meet dear Feyza

(in the midst of throwing stuff into my oversized purse filling my water bottle)

Red flowered pinnafore and a red T
Red scarf and a red mp3 player
Red-striped bag and brownish-red loafers.

Wonder what Feyza's gonna be wearing today.

Identity theft

Identity Theft

It started innocently enough. A pm from an anonymous id claiming to be a long-time friend. I thought it was too, until I saw his picture and realized this was no one I've ever met and stopped replying to the repeated pms asking to be friends. By then it was too late. He'd already gotten hold of my password and started taking extensive liberties with my yahoo id. Immagine the nerves on that guy.

Explaining what he set out to do next would take up too much of my precious time, as this is one mental case that's gone far beyond repair with not a shred of hope for recovery. As the process of remedying this dire situation has taken up more than a day while I'm still trying to finish my research paper with time that is getting more and more limited with each letter I type in this here blog, I am not keen on letting that go on for much longer.

Suffice it to say that from this day forth I will forever be suspicious of anonymous pms starting a conversation that seems to have dropped off somewhere and therefor does not warrant any introduction as to why the window pops up with 'aduh, lama betul tak online. Ingat nak suruh comment pasal my pics kat sabah...' Boy did I fall for that one.

And I will forever, from this day forth, get a mini-heart attact everytime the internet acts up and I get signed out of ym for no apparent reason, as that is how this whole caboozle of an identity theft came to my attention.

This humble blog of mine doesn't receive too many visitors, I admit, but I'm still so overwhelmed by the notion of someone taking liberties with my id, at my expanse nonetheless, that I'm inclined to post yet another tell-all of this tale so that the odd acquaintance who happens to stumble upon this page might know that as of 4.30pm on November 5th 2006, the id 'sage_blossom' no longer belongs to yours truly but to some sanity-deprived individual who has thus far displayed a comforting level of unintelligence. I have reason to believe that this individual has access to my email as well, therefor please disregard anything and everything coming from the email add sage_blossom@yahoo.com. If in doubt, simply converse with him in English and you'll find him stuttering and painfully making excuses without actually giving a response. No offense to non-english speakers, this is just an obvious trait I noticed within the short time I communicated with him. Oh and by the way, he is IT savvy to a frightening degree, at least for an internet-for-dummies reader like myself.

This is to caution you on what this internet predator (getting too emotional? I think NOT!!) might stoop to, so please be careful. And if all else fails to instill at least a morsel of fear/caution in you, think of this...IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!

I'm inclined to state his yahoo id here so anyone with enough guts might venture in my shoes for a while and see what that does to your cyber exitence, but then again, I'm not going to be responsible for this guy's success in securing his next victim for whatever purpose.

With that said, I'm going back to my unwavering pile of assignments.

Raya ke-3

raya ketiga

I woke up this morning to a muted sunrise. I sat up in bed with my eyes shut and felt the rays on my eyelids. It was cool so I pulled the covers up to my chin and sat like that for a while. I wanted to savor that moment because it was something I'd lost and might never get back.

The soft breeze that was blowing into the room, the thin curtains that was transforming the light, and the smell of food as Kak N heated them up on the kitchen stove.

All that brought me back to when I was about nine or ten years old in my grandmother's bed on the waning days of raya. There'd be the clang of cutlery being used, my mom, my grandmother and my aunts' contstant chatter pulling me out of bed and onto the cool wooden floor. I'd sit on the 'bendul' in the kitchen along with my cousins, waiting for our turn to shower. My mom would be sitting at the dining table with her cup of 'teh susu', on the chair right next to the window where the 'pokok cermai' constantly peaks through. I'd lean against the wall and drift in and out of sleep until I hear my grandmother hurrying me into the bathroom. She'd be talking about some distant relative or another that we just had to go and visit that day because there was no better time to go than now.

I love that time. It was simple, it was safe and I was happy although I didn't realize at the time that I was. Happy. Nothing more and nothing less and that was that.

And somehow this morning, aeons away from what that was, I caught a glimpse of it and managed to hold on and for a brief moment I was, again, happy like that.

Pretty near

Pretty near

'Leave perfection to God. Us humans gotta settle with pretty near.'

I came across that line in the book 'Mother of Pearl' several years ago.
The particular character who uttered those words have long faded from my memory.
That line found a permanent place in me.
At that time in my life, I wasn't always particularly aware of God's presence. Somehow that line held a certain appeal to me.
Thinking back on it now, they make perfect sense.
Since these last few weeks I have been struggling with a gargantuan load of assignments.
Time and again I kept having a nagging feeling that I could have done better.
I could have started earlier, I could have done more research, I could have spent more time exploring my options.
The end product of my labours could have been better.
Then I'd remember that line. Leave perfection to God.
We humans should strive as hard as we can, do the best we can. We humans are flawed, in every way, only as a reminder that we are just that, humans.
In the end only God can achieve perfection.

Our deeds are not judged by the fruits of our labour.
All we are asked to do is to strive, and the rewards are accorded to us on our efforts.
Leave perfection to God.

I pray that God gives me the strength to strive in the best of my abilities and I thank Him for everyday that I am given.

Allah tidak jemu

"Allah tidak jemu selagi kamu tidak jemu"

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku,
Jauhkanlah bisikan-bisikan syaitan yang berteleku di hati hambaMu ini
Bersihkanlah hatiku agar terus khusyuk mengabdikan diri kepadamu
Terangilah hatiku dan lapangkanlah dadaku agar sentiasa sedia menerima petunjuk dan hidayah kurniaanmu
Sesungguhnya aku hamba yang maha lemah dan mudah tergelincir dari jalanMu yang benar

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku,
tenangkanlah hati ini yang sentiasa berbolak-balik dari mengingatiMu
jauhkanlah diri ini dari kesesatan yang tidak aku sedari

Sesungguhnya Engkaulah Tuhan yang Maha Mendengar lagi Maha Mengetahui segala isi hati hamba-hambaNya.

aamin.

saying goodbye

if a picture paints a thousand words

a single word might just say it all

goodbye comes in a single syllable

signs in a single wave of the hand

or in a final turn of the face

letting go of the past could be so easy

if only you could just.....let go

holding on the a past that can never be

makes you age faster than time allows

once the past finally escapes your grasp

you realize the wrinkles, the aches and worst of all

the time lost that can never come back.

To the ones I love most...

To the ones I love most...

sometimes communicating with the ones closest to you can be the hardest
best intentions don't cut it at all, no matter how you try to explain it
often times feelings get hurt even when it's the last thing you want to do
sometimes it's better to just say it and hope the words might work some magic
sometimes it's best to take a step back and let time take it's due course
but always, always, turn to Allah and you'll have the answer

"Actions are but by intention and every man shall have but that which he intended..."

ya Allah, know that my intentions, truly, are pure, but only You know the best outcome for each and everyone of us....

misses

I miss...

• teh ais kat arked meranti
• panjat bukit kat krp, across the parking lot kat b11 and up at least 3 flights of steps to get to studio on time
• sitting at the wakaf and swatting nyamuk while waiting to settle some matters at the pejabat FAB
• going down at least 3 tingkat to the water cooler, filling up my bottles and naik balik at least 3 tingkat.
• making up my cubicle
• eating in my cubicle
• sleeping in my cubicle
• napping at iPrint while waiting for my designs to be printed
• pisang goreng, cendawan goreng and keropok lekor at taman U
• roti canai at alif/ayob

to be continued...

Simple pleasures

Simple pleasures

early morning drizzle and a cup of tea
mid morning shower and a book in bed
late afternoon nap and a coffee after
crisp, clean sheats on my bed
a yellowed leaf on the window pane
sun-scented laundry fresh off the line
new fluffy socks on my feet
a walk on rain-specked curbs
fallen pine needles clinging to my sweater
morning dew wet on my palms

and a thankfulness for it all.

alhamdulillah.

Human

We humans are the most contradictory of all creations.

Every other creature on earth bar none obeys without question the laws ordained by their Maker upon them.

Water was created to nourish life and therefor it flows into the earth bringing life to plants, animals and humans alike.

Birds are given wings and so they fly through the vastness of the sky.

Fish are bestowed with gills and so they swim the wide seas holding secrets only God knows of.

The sun was created to give light and so it rises day after day calling us rise with it and make good the hours given to us.

The moon is called upon to guide us through the dark hours and it does so without question or doubt.

Every other creature on earth bar none obeys without question the laws ordained by their Maker upon them.

We humans are created to govern the earth as God has ordained upon us but we choose to create our own laws of chaos and disorder.

We humans are created to worship the one and only God and yet we put our utmost dependency on the most material of things.

We humans are the given a teacher, a book and a promise in the hereafter but chose to follow the godless laws of syaitan under the guise of ignorance.

We humans are given the clear choice of heaven or hell and we choose hell for a bit of merriment which will not last.

We humans are told to do good and turn away from evil and yet we set out to do the exact opposite.

We humans are given one chance after another to return to the straight path and yet we choose to go astray until it is too late to turn anywhere at all.

We humans know in our hearts that all this is true and yet we choose to ignore it.

We humans really are the most contradictory of all creations.

al-Mu'minun : 71 "And if the truth had been according to their desires, verily the heavens and the earth and everything therein shall be destroyed!! Nay, We have brought them their reminder, but they turned away from their reminder."

Wallahu'alam bis sawaab....

Thank you Mastq....

"yo queen of misconception... my name is king of ego.. i reign the country of hearts... i have many kingdoms, far and vast, that never fails to bow down to me...
there are some of those rebellious subjects that defy my soverignity...
They claim that these kingdoms of hearts do not belong to me, but they belong to a Greater Being, He who created everything, including me!! How dare these little pests to make such a claim!
They said that they hold the Book of Answers, the Book of Measures, the Book of Judgement, to which my kingdoms should submit to...
Somehow I have a feeling that they are winning, and I'm losing...
in the fight to rule THE piece of meat, that controls my eyes, feets and hands and mind...
THE HEART.

"dan sekiranya baik daging itu, maka akan baiklah seluruh anggota badan yg lainnya, dan sekiranya buruk daging itu, maka akan buruklah seluruh anggota lainnya. daging itu adalah HATI"-Hadith- "

Sadaqallah al-azim

jump to conclusion

Hello, I'm the queen of misconception. I jump to conclusions faster than a marsh toad and I judge others harshly against my own yard stick. I form my opinion on matters of which I have little or no knowledge and broad-brush-apply it to every situation. To top it off, I'm too arrogant to admit it and furthermore apolagise for it.
And your name is...?

Lost2

I'm at a lost. There's something I need to get off my chest. Something that's been worrying me for quite a while. I need to talk to someone who can understand the weight of the matter and not brush it aside as something trivial. For now it's you my dear bloggy :p

Fade

Happy birthday kak Itot. [I'm updating this blog specially for you :D]

Everything fades
Colours, the past, friendships, photos
It is a sad certainty, but inevitable nontheless
If I could frame a time, to look upon on a day other than this
It would be now, which fades like any other
If only I could say that things'll never change
for you, for me or for them
It would mean taking back all I had given
So to fade is to stay
forever in this way, unchanged.

sometimes

Sometimes I look at other people's lives and wonder why that happiness isn't in mine
Sometimes I walk down the road wondering where it's actually leading me
Sometimes I say something that makes me wonder where those really came from
Sometimes I look at some people and wonder what I had done wrong
Sometimes I look at myself and wonder if I'd ever done anything right.

All about Lin

Haha yes kak Ila, ni aku curi from your page kehkehkeh....

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Lin!

1. The average human spends about 30 days during their life in lin!
2. It's bad luck to put lin on a bed.
3. During the reign of Peter the Great, any Russian nobleman who chose to wear lin had to pay a special lin tax!
4. Lin is the only bird that can swim but not fly.
5. 99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as lin!
6. Contrary to popular belief, lin is not successful at sobering up a drunk person, and in many cases she may actually increase the adverse effects of alcohol.
7. The pharoahs of ancient Egypt wore garments made with thin threads of beaten lin!
8. Lin can squeeze her entire body through a hole the size of her beak!
9. The canonical hours of the Christian church are matins, lauds, prime, terce, sext, none, lin and compline.
10. If you put a drop of liquor on lin, she will go mad and sting herself to death!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

When sleep eludes me

When sleep eludes me

It's five past one in the a.m. and my eyes are still wide open.

When I was a kid I had this somewhat macabre way of putting myself to sleep. It didn't work all the time, but enough times to make me attempt it again and again.

The thrill it gave me is the same reason why we go on rollers coaster rides or watch horror movies that we know would scare us silly. It's that jolt we sometimes need to remind us that we still have a pulse. I've only recently been able to articulate it as...feeling alive.

How? I'd scare myself to sleep.

The subject of my horror always lays half in darkness, his only visible features are the eyes, bloodshot and bulging. Arms by his side, he stands there watching me, at my bedside. Sometimes he's at the window, fingers gripping the grill and face pressed up against the glass. I'd imagine his rasping breath, wheezing and wheezing, the stench of rot floats over me. The clearer I see him in my mind, the more real he'd become.

Pretty soon I'd be curled up in a tight ball of limbs and covers.

My eyes are shut tight against the horror that was watching me, simply watching me, not making a sound but I can him saying, "I'm here. I know you're awake. You summoned me from your wildest imagination and here I am. Open your eyes and see me...."

This would be about the time I pull the covers way over my head and drown my face in my pillows.

Oh crap, I'm still sitting in front of my pc...

Hawa

Tanpa Adam tiada Hawa
Tanpa perempuan tiada lelaki
Cedekiawan pernah berkata, " di sebalik lagenda lelaki, mesti berdiri serikandi perempuan".
Bagaimana?
Kalau tidak secekal Ibrahim, jangan mahukan setabah Hajar
Jika tidak sejujur Usman, jangan inginkan sesetia Nailah
Kalau tidak sekacak Yusuf, jangan angankan secantik Zulaikha
Jika tidak sebijak Sulaiman, jangan hendakkan sepandai Balqis
Kalau tidak seteruna Ali, jangan idamkan sesuci Fatimah
dan jika tidak seagung Muhammad S.A.W., jangan mimpikan semulia Khadijah serikandi Islam.


Hubungan Adam dan Hawa by Iqa Ghazali,
Jelita December 2005

Kak Nani is here!! Whoopidiydooo...

Rain

Rain

It's raining outside
It was raining when I stepped out of the shower this morning
It was raining when I had my breakfast tea
It was raining when I caught the bus to the city
It was raining when I was heading to the house and it was raining when I left a few hours later
It was raining when I ducked into the library
It was raining when I came out with an armfull of books

It was raining when I sat down with a cup of coffee
It was raining while I contemplated my life before me
It was raining as I felt the cold metal against my finger tips
It was raining when I pulled the trigger
And it rains on, still, though my life is over.

It really has been raining all day, and I am somewhat in a melancholic mood, thus the verses.

Looks can be deceiving

Looks can be deceiving

Correction - looks ARE deceiving. Very often people don't let on who they are or what they really are like the first time you meet them. Well, at least not in my case. Now that I think of it, seldom do my innitial impression of someone I've just met stay unchanged. Or is that because I was too judgemental? I have recently been strongly reminded of how different people can be once you get past the introduction. Its also a reminder for me not to jump to conclusions. Ever. As noble as it may sound, it's probably a hard one for me to achieve. I have to admit I put on a mask upon meeting someone new. It's nothing personal or because I dislike that person. I see it simply as a reactory defense mechanisme. When welcoming something unknown into your environment, you're bound to be weary and put out receivers. As for me, I only let my guard down when I feel comfortable with the new person, be it male or female, young or old. I admit I am quite a timid person, or have become a lot more so, and thus familiarising with new individuals take time and effort. Some may take me as aloof and unfriendly but hey, through this natural process of acclimatising, I have acquired some very supportive and pleasent group of companions, people I feel completely at home with. So for those who feel I don't warm up to others fast enough, in the words of Bartholomew Simpson, 'eat my shorts'. Otherwise just be patient. I'll come around soon enough.

Summertime

Summertime

The past few nights have been visited by rain. I guess the hot scorching period of summer is over. Clouds drift by when there were none at all before. At times the air gets so thick you can hardly breath. Humidity is a suffocator. Shirts stick to peoples' backs and armpits dampen within minutes. Shadows come and go too quickly to matter. Yet I have in me this resolute calmness that doesn't seem to go away. I sit with my chin resting on my hand, I listen to the leaves rustling, and I pondered. I wanted to fill this first summer of mine with something worth recalling. Significant occurance are sparse but little glimpses of niceness are abundant. Perhaps I should try to record those little moments and stop looking for that life changing event that might never come. Perhaps it's time to focus on those little things. Perhaps it's time to move on. Perhaps.

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me...

A poem on a birthday card from my 10-year-old baby brother to me:

Badgers are grumpy
but you are not
But don't forget the family
Because we love you lots.

Aww....miss you to no end Kimi!