Human

We humans are the most contradictory of all creations.

Every other creature on earth bar none obeys without question the laws ordained by their Maker upon them.

Water was created to nourish life and therefor it flows into the earth bringing life to plants, animals and humans alike.

Birds are given wings and so they fly through the vastness of the sky.

Fish are bestowed with gills and so they swim the wide seas holding secrets only God knows of.

The sun was created to give light and so it rises day after day calling us rise with it and make good the hours given to us.

The moon is called upon to guide us through the dark hours and it does so without question or doubt.

Every other creature on earth bar none obeys without question the laws ordained by their Maker upon them.

We humans are created to govern the earth as God has ordained upon us but we choose to create our own laws of chaos and disorder.

We humans are created to worship the one and only God and yet we put our utmost dependency on the most material of things.

We humans are the given a teacher, a book and a promise in the hereafter but chose to follow the godless laws of syaitan under the guise of ignorance.

We humans are given the clear choice of heaven or hell and we choose hell for a bit of merriment which will not last.

We humans are told to do good and turn away from evil and yet we set out to do the exact opposite.

We humans are given one chance after another to return to the straight path and yet we choose to go astray until it is too late to turn anywhere at all.

We humans know in our hearts that all this is true and yet we choose to ignore it.

We humans really are the most contradictory of all creations.

al-Mu'minun : 71 "And if the truth had been according to their desires, verily the heavens and the earth and everything therein shall be destroyed!! Nay, We have brought them their reminder, but they turned away from their reminder."

Wallahu'alam bis sawaab....

Thank you Mastq....

"yo queen of misconception... my name is king of ego.. i reign the country of hearts... i have many kingdoms, far and vast, that never fails to bow down to me...
there are some of those rebellious subjects that defy my soverignity...
They claim that these kingdoms of hearts do not belong to me, but they belong to a Greater Being, He who created everything, including me!! How dare these little pests to make such a claim!
They said that they hold the Book of Answers, the Book of Measures, the Book of Judgement, to which my kingdoms should submit to...
Somehow I have a feeling that they are winning, and I'm losing...
in the fight to rule THE piece of meat, that controls my eyes, feets and hands and mind...
THE HEART.

"dan sekiranya baik daging itu, maka akan baiklah seluruh anggota badan yg lainnya, dan sekiranya buruk daging itu, maka akan buruklah seluruh anggota lainnya. daging itu adalah HATI"-Hadith- "

Sadaqallah al-azim

jump to conclusion

Hello, I'm the queen of misconception. I jump to conclusions faster than a marsh toad and I judge others harshly against my own yard stick. I form my opinion on matters of which I have little or no knowledge and broad-brush-apply it to every situation. To top it off, I'm too arrogant to admit it and furthermore apolagise for it.
And your name is...?

Lost2

I'm at a lost. There's something I need to get off my chest. Something that's been worrying me for quite a while. I need to talk to someone who can understand the weight of the matter and not brush it aside as something trivial. For now it's you my dear bloggy :p

Fade

Happy birthday kak Itot. [I'm updating this blog specially for you :D]

Everything fades
Colours, the past, friendships, photos
It is a sad certainty, but inevitable nontheless
If I could frame a time, to look upon on a day other than this
It would be now, which fades like any other
If only I could say that things'll never change
for you, for me or for them
It would mean taking back all I had given
So to fade is to stay
forever in this way, unchanged.

sometimes

Sometimes I look at other people's lives and wonder why that happiness isn't in mine
Sometimes I walk down the road wondering where it's actually leading me
Sometimes I say something that makes me wonder where those really came from
Sometimes I look at some people and wonder what I had done wrong
Sometimes I look at myself and wonder if I'd ever done anything right.

All about Lin

Haha yes kak Ila, ni aku curi from your page kehkehkeh....

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Lin!

1. The average human spends about 30 days during their life in lin!
2. It's bad luck to put lin on a bed.
3. During the reign of Peter the Great, any Russian nobleman who chose to wear lin had to pay a special lin tax!
4. Lin is the only bird that can swim but not fly.
5. 99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as lin!
6. Contrary to popular belief, lin is not successful at sobering up a drunk person, and in many cases she may actually increase the adverse effects of alcohol.
7. The pharoahs of ancient Egypt wore garments made with thin threads of beaten lin!
8. Lin can squeeze her entire body through a hole the size of her beak!
9. The canonical hours of the Christian church are matins, lauds, prime, terce, sext, none, lin and compline.
10. If you put a drop of liquor on lin, she will go mad and sting herself to death!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

When sleep eludes me

When sleep eludes me

It's five past one in the a.m. and my eyes are still wide open.

When I was a kid I had this somewhat macabre way of putting myself to sleep. It didn't work all the time, but enough times to make me attempt it again and again.

The thrill it gave me is the same reason why we go on rollers coaster rides or watch horror movies that we know would scare us silly. It's that jolt we sometimes need to remind us that we still have a pulse. I've only recently been able to articulate it as...feeling alive.

How? I'd scare myself to sleep.

The subject of my horror always lays half in darkness, his only visible features are the eyes, bloodshot and bulging. Arms by his side, he stands there watching me, at my bedside. Sometimes he's at the window, fingers gripping the grill and face pressed up against the glass. I'd imagine his rasping breath, wheezing and wheezing, the stench of rot floats over me. The clearer I see him in my mind, the more real he'd become.

Pretty soon I'd be curled up in a tight ball of limbs and covers.

My eyes are shut tight against the horror that was watching me, simply watching me, not making a sound but I can him saying, "I'm here. I know you're awake. You summoned me from your wildest imagination and here I am. Open your eyes and see me...."

This would be about the time I pull the covers way over my head and drown my face in my pillows.

Oh crap, I'm still sitting in front of my pc...

Hawa

Tanpa Adam tiada Hawa
Tanpa perempuan tiada lelaki
Cedekiawan pernah berkata, " di sebalik lagenda lelaki, mesti berdiri serikandi perempuan".
Bagaimana?
Kalau tidak secekal Ibrahim, jangan mahukan setabah Hajar
Jika tidak sejujur Usman, jangan inginkan sesetia Nailah
Kalau tidak sekacak Yusuf, jangan angankan secantik Zulaikha
Jika tidak sebijak Sulaiman, jangan hendakkan sepandai Balqis
Kalau tidak seteruna Ali, jangan idamkan sesuci Fatimah
dan jika tidak seagung Muhammad S.A.W., jangan mimpikan semulia Khadijah serikandi Islam.


Hubungan Adam dan Hawa by Iqa Ghazali,
Jelita December 2005

Kak Nani is here!! Whoopidiydooo...

Rain

Rain

It's raining outside
It was raining when I stepped out of the shower this morning
It was raining when I had my breakfast tea
It was raining when I caught the bus to the city
It was raining when I was heading to the house and it was raining when I left a few hours later
It was raining when I ducked into the library
It was raining when I came out with an armfull of books

It was raining when I sat down with a cup of coffee
It was raining while I contemplated my life before me
It was raining as I felt the cold metal against my finger tips
It was raining when I pulled the trigger
And it rains on, still, though my life is over.

It really has been raining all day, and I am somewhat in a melancholic mood, thus the verses.

Looks can be deceiving

Looks can be deceiving

Correction - looks ARE deceiving. Very often people don't let on who they are or what they really are like the first time you meet them. Well, at least not in my case. Now that I think of it, seldom do my innitial impression of someone I've just met stay unchanged. Or is that because I was too judgemental? I have recently been strongly reminded of how different people can be once you get past the introduction. Its also a reminder for me not to jump to conclusions. Ever. As noble as it may sound, it's probably a hard one for me to achieve. I have to admit I put on a mask upon meeting someone new. It's nothing personal or because I dislike that person. I see it simply as a reactory defense mechanisme. When welcoming something unknown into your environment, you're bound to be weary and put out receivers. As for me, I only let my guard down when I feel comfortable with the new person, be it male or female, young or old. I admit I am quite a timid person, or have become a lot more so, and thus familiarising with new individuals take time and effort. Some may take me as aloof and unfriendly but hey, through this natural process of acclimatising, I have acquired some very supportive and pleasent group of companions, people I feel completely at home with. So for those who feel I don't warm up to others fast enough, in the words of Bartholomew Simpson, 'eat my shorts'. Otherwise just be patient. I'll come around soon enough.

Summertime

Summertime

The past few nights have been visited by rain. I guess the hot scorching period of summer is over. Clouds drift by when there were none at all before. At times the air gets so thick you can hardly breath. Humidity is a suffocator. Shirts stick to peoples' backs and armpits dampen within minutes. Shadows come and go too quickly to matter. Yet I have in me this resolute calmness that doesn't seem to go away. I sit with my chin resting on my hand, I listen to the leaves rustling, and I pondered. I wanted to fill this first summer of mine with something worth recalling. Significant occurance are sparse but little glimpses of niceness are abundant. Perhaps I should try to record those little moments and stop looking for that life changing event that might never come. Perhaps it's time to focus on those little things. Perhaps it's time to move on. Perhaps.

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me...

A poem on a birthday card from my 10-year-old baby brother to me:

Badgers are grumpy
but you are not
But don't forget the family
Because we love you lots.

Aww....miss you to no end Kimi!

Summerbreak blues

Summer holiday blues

It' s been a looooong while....
So many things has happened since
insignificant to others but highly important to me
For the good ones I thank Allah the almighty
for the bad ones I thank Him too, for the wisdom that i gained.


Change. It's never easy. Human beings are creatures of habit, be it good habits or bad. My inner self is my biggest enemy in changing for the better. The old saying rings true; bad habits are easy to form and hard to lose. Somehow my nafs (i.e. syaitan) manages to mask them as something good or harmless.

"...Syaitan has lost hope that he will ever lead you astray in big things, so beware of him leading you astray in small things..."

-the Prophet's PBUH last sermon

It scares me how many of those small things I might be doing this very minute. Nevertheless, I thank Allah almighty for the wisdom He has granted me thus far.

this is cool

this is cool

Malam ini

Malam ini...
Makan-makan
Facial mask
Pakai inai
Ice cream cone after ice cream cone
Heaven...

Change

What a big change I'm going through right now.
I hope it stays. I've never had more courage to go through this change as I had before. My only regret is that the people who matter most can't seem to understand it. Perhaps, in time, and by the will of God, they might.
That's all I have to say of it for now.

The Village

The Village

The more I watch Syamalan’s Signs, the more I feel like being creative. He’s created a total niche for himself in the film industry with his pregnant silences between lines, wide shots prolonged, making you feel like popping your head through the screen and turning that door knob and going through the door yourself. The music builds up at just the right time, making a scene of a plain farm house with a dog out front represent so much more than…...what it is. A lavish meal in the middle of a UFO crisis seems like the normal thing to do. Syamalan’s a movie-making genius.
Having come to that conclusion, I’m somehow reminded of a particular scene that happened more than a year ago. We were all converging once more on the holy campus of UTM Skudai to for the convocation of the 2003/2004 graduates. Fakrul had just arrived that morning, if memory serves right, and Kak Ila joined us for the customary movie at CS. We saw Syamalan’s The Village. For some reason it didn’t impress me to the extent that it did Fakrul and Kak Ila. For a pragmatist and realist like me, the movie had too many loopholes to qualify as spellbinding. We had a somewhat friendly ‘discussion’ about it in the car, the usual dissecting of particular scenes and analysis, the plot, characters, etc. Fakrul proclaimed the movie to be the best of Syamalan’s work thus far and Kak Ila agreed, to some extent. I disagreed. Fakrul got somewhat emotional about that, upset that The Village wasn’t perfect in everyone’s mind. I got a little pissed that I was supposed to agree that it is, otherwise I’m not up to standard with everybody else. I don’t remember Kak Ila saying much but we all got quite for a moment after that and changed the topic.
I’m not writing about this out of spite, but rather out of amusement. Seeing how obsessive people get over something as menial as a movie amuses me. To all parties involved, feel free to contribute and correct me where I might have erred. I’m sure we’ve all grown and matured enough to be able to laugh at this little insignificant incident. Go ahead, have a laugh. I sure did.

requiem for my daytime illusory

requiem for my daytime illusory

I leaned back and found the shoulder

shut my eyes and sleep came easy

had my arms wrapped around my torso

breathed an easy sigh

what a cosy little picture we were, here,now

my head rolled sideways and a hand came up to steady it

my self slumbered east, my vision hovered above

intently absorbing all this unwarranted kindness

did I deserve it?

others started leaving, the place emptied

but we stayed

I slept till daylight visited

this bliss seemed go on forever

but i awoke up to my empty room

once again.

naturally.

Tassie Trip Trappings

Tassie Trip

Went to Tassie!! The flight was aweful and the rain at touchdown wasn't exactly the welcome I was expecting, but things were pretty much smooth-sailing right after they picked me up from the airport. The first thing to grab my attention was the cold. The winds reached in and grabbed my lungs the way Brisabane's winter never could. The other thing I noticed was the town. Launceston is what Brisbane would have been if the scale was shrunk down to a fifth it's original size. The pace was completely laid-back, cars were few and buses even fewer. The fact that the girls were able to find a massive bungalow house in a fully residential area for less than $200 a week says it all. Wish life was that inexpensive here in Brissy. Shop attendants remembered us shopping the day before, remembered the bag I bought but came to exchange, remembered the one I was agonizing over whether or not to buy. Little cafes dotted every block and bakeries were abundant. I guess they are somewhat of a neccessity for a hide-out whenever the cold gets out of hand. It was spring, I was shivering beneath Echa's parka, and she tells me this is probably as hot as it gets. Winter averages between eight and nine degrees celcius. I would have stared at her with my mouth gaping, except that it was so cold so my teeth was chattering and the incredilous look on my face was lost on her. Darn this cold...

Amy

For a moment I forgot about my excitement and anxiety. The flight there was bad, the passengers next to me made it worse. My head started swimming and my throat started pushing down bile. The book I was reading suddenly held no appeal to me whatsoever. The headache I was having made sure I couldn't keep reading anyway. I find myself checking the time precisely every five minutes. I just wished there was a fast-forward button I could push. The couple next to me calls on the flight attendant for maybe the thousandth time, and she appears with the every-ready smile and perkiness that was too pleasant to be true. Another shudder, another tremor, the plane goes through another air-pocket. I turn the overhead light off and try to get some shut-eye. The drinks arrived the smell of alcohol made want to puke my gutts out all over the seat, just for the sake of passing time. I shut my eyes and drifted between wakefulness and a dreamless sleep. A bump, I jolted awake to the pilot's announcement of touch down in fifteen minutes. Thank God. I took my time getting to my feet, shouldering my bags, walk down the aisle, out the door and into the rain. Perfect. Rain drops pelted me sideways and I pulled my coat tighter against the cold wind. My face was drenched in seconds. I stepped through the glass doors, looking for waving hands. Someone grabbed me from my right and there she was. The terminal was so small that people could actually welcome arrivals right there in the tarmac. The irony of it didn't escape me. Before I could say a word she'd already engulfed my i a hug longer than I would usually stand for. And yet I felt at home, finally with someone I can let my guards down completely. We stood there hugging each other and I realized it's been almost a year since we last saw each other. I hugged her back and it all seemed worth it. I'm finally here. With my bestest friend in the world.

Sepet

I finally saw it. I loved it. I finally get it.....

King Chi

Weird Moments

Torn up in indecision over the most trivial of things.

KC : Oh, is that your friend?

me : Yup.

KC : The one you told me about?

me : Yup.

KC : Oh, ok. (wide smile)

me : Yeah...haha...(stupid grin, don't ask why)

KC : Hmm...

me : .......

Ever been in that situation where you're seriously contemplating whether or not to persue a conversation? You open your mouth to say more but your mind gets flooded with all these questions...

Should I tell her more? Should I offer more details? Should I let her in further into my mundane life? Does she need to know? Would she care to know? Does she even want to know this little bit of worthless information about me? Should I? Should I? Should I?

And so within the few seconds where my jaw opens and shuts without any intelligence forthcoming, the moment passess. House comes back on and I'm back to narrating every single scene in the episode till another commercial break comes on.

Life is weird, but I sure am weirder.....

Payday

Ohhh,the sweet life is here...

I love my part-time job. I love it even more on Sundays (payday)!

I love the new book I just got myself as a reward for a whole week of work.

I love the cover with the irradescent blue sky and the red earth if Ulluru and the Aborignal spirit child with a pink lilly and a blue dress.

I love curling up in bed at night with the book and the night lamp on.

I love waking up in the mornings and reaching for the book first thing and reading until I feel like getting out of bed.

I love this state of no-stress, no-worries, no-deadlines.

And there's still two more weeks of 'em coming.

Alhamdulillah....

Life Is Beautiful

Life is Beautiful

Submissions' over, exams are over, portfolio's done. I can finally do the things I like, anytime I like. Sleep, read, cook, read, go to the park, read some more. Do some reading up on architecture stuff. My lecturer Steffan suggested it and, like the naive student that I probably am, I'm going to do just that.

And of course, work.

I can't begin to describe how the timing sucks on this. I'm on part-time now, during the holidays. I can only go into full-time when the semester starts. Well I guess I should be thankful that at least I've got a job. Money issues pressing as usual, the phone call home is torturous. Gotta learn to come through on my own this time.

Please God, give me strength.

In the meantime, picnic next weekend!!

work

This is definitely wierd, and a wee bit pathetic. I'm addicted to my new job. Nothing seriously to be worried about, except that my new job is making kebabs in a Lebanese restaurant. Maybe I've never worked like this before. Maybe it's because I've never really had to work. Maybe because I've never worked in the food business before. So many maybe's, so little time...to work.

What the heck am I talking about?!!!

you

YOU

What does it say about you when someone tries to avoid your company? How are you supposed to feel, knowing that person doesn't want to be with you because you might have done something? Or that that person wants to get away from you because you are...simply the way you are? Knowing that what you should be feeling is guilt but the sinking feeling of being unwanted threatens to pull you down. Do you confront that person and ask? And risk getting hurt? Risk being put in a place you know you don't deserve to be? Perhaps I do know the reason, and perhaps I don't want to know it.

Oscar Wilde

If only...

"I am not young enough to know everything."
-Oscar Wilde


Ouch...reminds me of my teenage years when I actually thought, no make that believed, that I know everything. Well, maybe not everything but at least better than my parents did. Those years of dumbness.....*sigh*

Special/ordinary cont'd

Special/ordinary...(cont'd)

Begini kengkawan....

Weird though it may seem, it does happen to me often. I tend to remember the lines from a movie more than anything else. So rest assured that there is no romance brewing that triggered the previous entry my friends. As for this particular movie whose title still eludes me, I do have some extra recollection as to the scene in which the lines were hearsed. Here goes..

I remember it was a woman who said those words, and she had tears in her eyes when she said them. She was weeping for the man she loved. He'd loved her long before she realized that she loved him too. She had to let him go due to circumstances and her heart breaks a thousand times over. She couldn't return his love because.....well, that's about all I can remember !:D

Ordinary/Special

Special

Everyday you meet ordinary people who take no notice of you because they think you're ordinary and you don't care because you think they're ordinary too. Then one day, you bump into someone special who notices you and thinks that you're special because deep down inside he knows that you are special too.

LDRs

Move

I have an interim crit next week and I have no idea what I have to do. I actually spent the preciousss hours of the morning basically just staring at the blank sheet of paper in front of me. I actually didn't come up with anything until it was night time. I have a tutorial today and I'm still wondering how the heck am I going to explain my work without revealing that it was done less then ten hours ago. For this, I wish to blame it on moving to my new room for offsetting my rythm and causing me some serious designers' block. I spent more time trying to familiarise myself with my new surrounding than doing my work. I mainly stare at the walls wondering what to put on them.

So there's the problem for this week and the cause for it. Now that I've had it out in the open, how come I'm no closer to getting to the solution? Dang it...

When jealousy turns into hate

w h e n e n v y t u r n s t o j e a l o u s y

when envy turns to jealousy there's nothing to do about it but to delve further into the details. fuel the hate. turn into the green monster that's been brooding, waiting to come out. show the uglier side of you no one's ever seen. forget about composure. feed the wrath. let the hate simmer and boil to the brim.

that's when jealousy turns into hate.

and then what?

Easter cum Mid-sem Break

Easter cum Mid-sem Break

Sunday
Bowling at Milton with Sheeda and Dave. It was totally free, they wouldn't let me pay for anything hehehe. Scored 91, the highest ever!

Monday- Thursday
Lectures at Darul Uloom, thanx to Kak Ros. Met loads of Muslims from other countries. The part I looked forward to most was the little refreshments at the end hehe yumyum...

Thursday
Shopping lesson with Kak Ros at Westend's Coles. Broc n cheese Fish fingers yumm! A guy asked from which part of Iraq did we come from. The ignorant bastard.

Friday
Usrah with the sisters at UQ. Biography of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). They had all the information at their fingertips. I am so humbled...

Saturday

Waited for the bus in the freezing morning with Kak Ros to go the farmer's market in Westend. It was worth it, though. The whole place had a hippy-mediterranian-bohemian feel to it. Met Mahmood the halal-soap seller. The veges were dirt cheap!
BBQ at Roma Street Park by MySA at noon (innitially). Me and Sheeda got there late and the BBQ hasn't started yet (surprise surprise!) Called Yus the organizer and he wasn't there yet himself and couldn't even tell us where the bbq was. Typical! Otherwise, the bbq was great. The most easy-going crowd so far. Had fun!

Sunday
BBQ at UQ musolla. Took Sabiha with me, she seemed keen on mixing with fellow Muslims lately. There was an awkward moment when they asked her to join in sollah. The roasted lamb prepared by the brothers was devine! There was just six of us eating in the prayer room, so food was abundant and gorging was allowed!

Monday
End of mid-sem break. Boo-hoo.

Mimpi yang Indah

Mimpi yang indah

*Sigh* Finally a dream I'd like to remember! After a whole month of wierd, mumbo-jumbo recurring dreams, I've had one that's worth recalling.

All of my best buddies were there. Or rather, here. Anum, Eju, Fakrul, Amy, EchaEpo, Kak Ila, BabyHelmi...they were all there. Echa and Amy were rushing to catch a flight back to Tazmania, Kak Ila, Anum and the rest were sticking around for a while. And, of course there was the usual photography session with everyone busy posing for the cams. Of course, there were some wierd moments, as in all dreams. But what I remember best was that they were all there and I was happy.

I guess I'd been wanting so much to see all my best buddies again. *sigh*

Grapple this!

Grapple this!

"That is the payment I demand. Not many can afford it. I don't mean your enjoyment, I don't mean your emotion--emotions be damned!--I mean your understanding and the fact that your enjoyment was of the same nature as mine, that it came from the same source: from your intelligence, from the conscious judgment of a mind able to judge my work by the standard of the same values that went to write it-I mean, not the fact that you felt,but that you felt what I wished you to feel, not the fact that you admire my work, but that you admire it for the things I wished to be admired." He chuckled.

"There's only one passion in most artists more violent than their desire for admiration: their fear of identifying the nature of such admiration as they do receive. But it's a fear I've never shared. I do not fool myself about my work or the response I seek-I value both too highly. I do not care to be admired causelessly, emotionally, intuitively,instinctively-or blindly. I do not care for deafness, I have too much to say. I do not care to be admired by anyone's heart-only by someone's head.And when I find a customer with that invaluable capacity, then my performance is a mutual trade to a mutual profit. An artist is a trader,Miss Taggart, the hardest and most exacting of all traders. Now do you understand me?" Ayn Rand from Atlas Shrugged

~www.fanartreview.com

Translations pls...

Bored

Heerrghh...

For once I'm dreading the holidays. Simply because I don't have anything to do for a whole week of nothingness. And I don't have the means to actually do something either. Pathetic? I dunno...

Sabiha is going to Sydney to visit her sister. I'll be left alone for a full four days. I'm dreading the moment I'd have to face these four walls without the prospects of any company. Even normal days seems like a bore to me with classes only two days a week. Wait, it just occured to me I've never been alone in this house since day one. The nights oh God, the nights...

Gold Digger

The Gowld Digga'

Riding The Bus Home after classes is increasingly becoming my favourite part of the day. Mainly because it leads me to Dinner and then to Bed. So, to have to see this on my way home last night was a Real Spoiler.

Everything went off quite routinely. Left class early, huffed and puffed after Kak Immah who was rushing to catch her bus, said goodbye to her and proceeded to my bus stop. It was a reasonably short wait till the bus came. I got on the bus and the it was the Extra Friendly bus driver again who always turned 180 degrees in his seat to wish me goodnight everytime I got off the bus.

Tonight, sitting accross from me is a Guy. Just an average, normal Joe chatting to the lady next to him. And then I saw the ascend of his Fore Finger to his Nose, *wiggle wiggle wiggle* and down over the aisle in front of me. I looked out the window and I'm sure there was a cringe on my face and the guys accross the aisle was staring at me but to hell with that because this gowld digga is one disgusting chap and everyone knows you're not supposed to do that in public and yet he did and so there!

And as if being a spectator to his Excrement Excavation Expedition isn't bad enough, I got to see him use that Finger to Press the Bell for the bus to stop. I cringe again. That's the bell I'd have to use for my stop. Frantically I looked for another bell I can access from my seat and tragicallym there was NONE. SHIT.

The end.

Elina

Elina, Desert and Fish.

:: Me n Macedamia Cheesecake::Photo courtesy of Elena

Finally met up with Elina last night. I finished watching Hitch just in time to meet her in the city. She suggested this little desert place in the Valley and, I have to say,it was a great idea. The macadamia cheesecake I had was so pretty Elina had to take a picture of it haha. I was pleased to find asam laksa and bubur pulut hitam on the menu. We spend the time typically catching up and I talked about the adjustment issues. The conversation was easy flowing, and I realized I had completely forgotten what she was like back in primary school in SP. It's been a shocking ten years ago. Wow...

After desert we went walking through the streets. As we passed by the numerous bars overflowing with merry-makers, this single phrase ran through my mind - impending doom. I expected to be pelted by beer bottles or rained with insults. There were a few odd stares but, fortunately, no insults. Alhamdulillah. There wasn't much to see in the Valley so we sat down in Gloria Jean's. The cheesecake was an overload and I needed coffee. Bad.

Met up with Elina's boyfriend, and by God, I can't remember his name!(sorry Elina!) Nice guy, we chatted for some time while he finished his kebab. We were walking to his car when it finally happened. A van passed by, a girl stuck out her head and yelled something. None of us could make out what she'd said but Elina's bf selamber-ly gave her the finger. Was I glad there were three of us and one is a guy.

Stopped by a friend's house to pick up some fish. They gave me some and I still haven't figured out what to do with it yet. My housemate Sabiha is just as clueless.

It was really nice to meet someone familiar from back home. I guess homesickness still rules. However, assignments are piling up so I have a lot to occupy my mind for now.

The past week has been such a whirl wind. Where do I even begin?

I still hate going past the places where I'd been with my mom. It just reminds me of the first few days of us trying to find our way on our own. The hotel where we stayed, the mall where we roamed, the 7-eleven we frequented almost every night. I guess I'm trying to avoid homesickness. We did so much walking that week. I don't mind it so much, but I hate the thought of my mom doing it as well. She spent so much energy trying to get me settled in this new place.

I'm here studying architecture. I don't know if I want to make a career out of architecture, but I'd definitely do my share of practicing just so I could pay back my parents. I'd never be able to repay them for this, but it's the least I can do. Right?

One crappy entry

One crappy entry

Sitting in front of the screen

trying to figure out how to describe the past week

there's so much to tell i don't even know where to start

they say the beginning is the best place to start

so I'm gonna start with

Heating up my rice+sardin semalam+telur dadar semalam

Haha...yeah funny.

I'm here!!!

Finally!!! Alhamdulillah...I had fears of not getting here right up to the minute I checked in my luggage. Thank God everything went without a hitch. To all my dearest, most loved friends, get in touch QUICK!!! I'm finally online now so there's NO excuse! Besides, I miss any and everything that's familiar. I've been listening to Ruffedge and VE album (thanx Shawn!!) non-stop. Even a simple salaam from a fellow Muslim makes me bloom all over inside.

God, there's soooooo much to tell from the past week.(has it only been just one week?) I think I'll probably take a whole month to recap everything that's happened so far. And beleive me, there is MUCH to tell. I can't wait to get started.

p/s: Thanx Fakrul for the sms, kak Ila for the phonecall, my sister for putting up with my whinings via sms, and countless others for the messages in friendster, ym, etc. Knowing that you guys are thinking of me gives me the confidence I am so lacking. At the risk of sounding dumb, I'm gonna say ...."Saaaaaayang korang!!" :)

Words

Words

Sometimes the language of words seems the hardest thing in the world. Sometimes it is all that stands between me and what I mean to say. Sometimes the syllables just seem to lie more than tell. Sometimes what I say and what I mean refuse to come together. Sometimes my lips says indifference when my heart says......so much more. Sometimes it's like starting a song in the wrong chord. You can keep playing but it'll be out of tune. Sometimes the biggest fear is one that holds me from showing what is really behind the facade. Sometimes I feel like the biggest faker.

Albom on Schwartz said....

'I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let these tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we're frozen with fear of what those words might do to the relationship.

Morrie's approach was exactly the oposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear. I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is." '

If only.

Gathering

Gathering - Mini

We had a mini gathering at Tupai-tupai, thanks to Helmi's efforts. The plan was to meet at KL Central at 2.30pm. I got there, however, at 2.45pm to see Baby, Helmi, Echa and Epo already waiting. Anas, Meor and Shidi arrived at 3.30pm. Afzdal and spouse at 4.30pm. Tardiness was the order of the day. But we enjoyed the extra time catching up on each other's goings on. As it always was with the guys, jokes flew across the table non-stop and I was laughing more than I had in the last few months put together. It was nice. Heck, it was fantastic!!!

Surprisingly, topics kept evolving around our diploma days. Surprising because I thought I was the only one thinking about what a blast it was back then. There was talk of who looked like what, who got into trouble with whom doing what, et cetera. Man, it was a blast! What I would give to do it all again.

And then I realized the reason why we were all still talking about the past. Of the nine of us, none was still with the batch doing degree in UTM. We were either employed or seeking to continue studying elsewhere. Maybe that's why we're mostly trying to relive or at least hold on to those great times. We have moved on, in our own ways, and that's why the past is so precious. Looking back, I can't find another period of time in my life in which I was happier, or sadder, or made as many friends and met as many rivals.

Yup, it was a blast.

#*!&%$!!!!

#*!&%$!!!!

Let me start this entry with this....#*!&%*&#@%($!!!!^&$;^%@&*#$%@^#!!!

And before I calm down and lose me steam, let me relate to you the cause of my extreme dissatisfaction today.

The day started out bad as it is, with everyone running late for everything. The only thing that showed any sign of turning out normal was my final trip to the mall. And that's when things went back to black.

So what if the environment which they feel comfortable in is actually one I am most unfamiliar with?
So what if I seem like a fish out of water, a first-timer blindly groping her way around?
So what if I made a mistake and moved to correct myself?
So what if I didn't know?

Never in my life have I ever met such an obnoxious bunch of foreigners. This particular idiot stared at me as if I had an ass instead of a head, while his bastard of a friend kept grinning from their table. I looked away everytime our eyes met (typical Asian humility!) and I realized he was actually grinning at me!! I mean, grinning! At me! I should have stared right back and put up a finger, and it won't be the thumb, or the fore, or the ring, or the pinky, either.

I only have one word to say to those bloody mat salleh. I can't say it here, but I'll give you guys a hint : it starts with the letter F and rhymes with LUCK.

Go on people, take a wild guess...

Tuesdays with Morrie

Tuesdays with Morrie

an old man, a young man, and life's greatest lesson

This particular book has been sitting on my brother's dresser for a month over now and I finally decided to pick it up. Immagine my ignorance, not knowing who Albom was, and never even having heard of this amazing book. I flipped to the first chapter, the Curriculum, and I was completely captivated. See if you don't feel the same...

The last class of my professor's life took place once a week in his house, by a window in the study where he could watch a small hibiscus plant shed it's pink leaves. The class met on Tuesdays. It began after breakfast. The subject was The Meaning of Life. It was taught from experience.

No grades were given, but there were oral exams each week. You were expected to respond to questions, and you were expected to pose questions of your own. You were also requiered to perform physical tasks now and then, such as lifting the professor's head to a comfortable spot on the pillow or placing his glasses on the bridge of his nose. Kissing him good-bye earned you extra credits.

No books were requiered, yet many topics were covered, including love, work, community, family, aging, forgiveness, and, finally, death. The last lecture was brief, only a few words.

A funeral was held in lieu of graduation.

Although no final exam was given, you were expected to produce a long paper on what was learned. That paper is presented here.

The last class of my professor's life had only one student.

I was the student.

Now, I've only gone quarter-way, but I highly recommend it to you guys. The language is simple, easy to digest. The book itself isn't thick as bestsellers usually are. To me, so far, it feels more like your favourite story from Chicken Soup prolonged into a book. It's a definite Must Read. It might just make you into a better person, at the very least.

Take a peak here!

Mok

MOK

I know a girl

She puts the color inside of my world

She's just like a maze

Where all the walls all continually

I've done all I can

To stand on the steps with my heart in my hand

Now I'm starting to see

Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers

So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys you can break

You'll find out how much they can take

Boys will be strong

And boys soilder on

But boys would be gone without warmth

for a womans good, good heart

John Mayer/Daughters/Heavier Things

raya haji

Happy Id'l Adha

I simply love it when my mom's two sisters come over with their families. Us cousins grew up together and it's always a pleasure to be able to get together once in a while. For a moment, when everyone was busy chatting and helping around the kitchen, it almost felt like we were back in Mok's house in Kota Bharu. Those were the days...

My favourite moment of all - there's always one - is when Mama, Mama Yah and Mak Long sit down together at the table when everyone's done eating. They'd be talking about the old days, the pains of dealing with juvenile delinquencies and, this time around, the woes of Mok's old age tantrums. It's not so much the stories that amuse me, but more of how they talk about it. The expressions, the exclamations, the personal insights and opinions. Nothing goes inhibited during these sessions. It's almost like a home away from home.

The only ones missing today is Abang Yi and Kak Long and Ayah Long. The clan would otherwise have been complete.

List of offsprings:
Mak Long : Kak Long, Kak Yana
Mama Yah (Mak Ngah) :Abg Yi,Kak Na,Kak Wa, Liza, Wani, Miya, Azie
Mak Su (My mom) : Nani, Lin, Omar, Hakim

The menu was simple : Daging goreng ala mamak, ayam masak merah, kerabu mangga and acar, topped with fruits and chocolate fruit cake. I really have to applaud my mom for this. Cooking has never been her forte, but she never fails to pull together a mouth-water feast that's beyond any complaint.

I did my best to convince Mok to come over for this Raya, but to no avail. I hate to think of her alone in the house, with no one to keep her company. I had her on my mind all through today's raya lunch. I hope she's ok.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha to all.

inner soul

What the...?!!


(Courtesy of : Kak Ilavogueinternationalhabess )

Your inner soul is saying SCREW YOU! For some reason you gave up caring about things. You use to be warm and loving, but now you've started crusting over to a cold, hardcore bitch who doesn't take crap from anybody! Even though you try not to show emotions, you desperately want to let loose and go wild! You have an attitude that makes you irresistible to others and you are the one usually to take charge of situations. Try to let loose and have some fun because we all know how much you really want to ^-^

What Is Your Inner Soul Trying To Say? (With Pics)

I know I'm not perfect, nobody is, but this is definitely more than I expected! Wow, I've really deteriorated for some reason...

Grief

Tears tears tears

I think the best way to deal with grief is to simply let it out.
I think if you cried hard and long enough, you'll come to a point where you finally run out of tears.
I think that's the point where you finally get over it.
I think I've cried all I can, so when is that point coming?

He was.

It's been exactly one week since his passing. It's only now that I can actually think about arwah without shedding tears. My heart still feels heavy from an invisible burden. It's true what they say; you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

The phone rang, his number came up and I had a warm feeling at the pit of my stomach. But then his sister's voice came on. I instantly felt something was wrong. That's when the ball dropped.

The first few days were filled with disbelief, on my part and on others'. It seemed impossible that one of us could go so soon. And one so well loved, too. I could go on and on about what a gem he was to us all. There would neither be enough words nor space for that. Suffice it to say that his absence will be strongly felt; his presence will be forever missed.

It would take some time for me, and others, to reconcile ourselves with the fact that he is no longer among us. I can still picture his goofy smile, I can still hear his jokes, and I can still see him running around in his Hawaiian shirt. Honestly, I've never met anyone as full of life as he was.

Macam benih. Campak ke mana-mana pun mesti tumbuh.

Ask anyone who knew him and that's probably how they'd describe him. With his gifted hands, he's fashioned countless little trinkets and gave them away on a whim. I still have the butterfly he made me from twisted wires. And the tiny pair of shoes sewed together from pieces of leather. And the little tree with a heart made from left over cardboards he gave me on my birthday. And that...

My heart still aches for one last conversation, one last glimpse of the one I hold so dear to my heart. I know it is impossible, and it is too late. Syakir, I'm so sorry I wasn't there at your funeral. I can only console myself with this thought:

He was brought into this life, and the life of those who've had the pleasure of his acquaintance, for a purpose. And with his passing, that purpose is fulfilled.

Semoga rohnya dilimpahi rahmat Illahi dan diletakkan di kalangan orang-orang mukmin.

You are always in my prayers, Insya'Allah.

Syakir

He's gone. Kembali ke rahmatullah. Innalillah...

Birthday

Anniversary Aftermath

I've been wrecking my brain for something to write to mark the occasion. I can't say that I feel that much older or wiser (yipes!). I had this amusing conversation with my cousin Hajar the other day where we both agreed that I had neither the weight nor wisdom deserving of a twenty-two-year-old (gulp!).The fact remains that the day passed without so much as a shudder. My parents have long since discarded the practice of celebrating birthdays for the quite surprise of a gathering (usually in the living room), the presentation of a gift(s) and a round of hugs and kisses for and from everyone. And, of course, a discourse on some serious issue, i.e. family bonds, the tsunami, religion, the future. Yup, that's how we do it here in the Rahiman Clan.

Despite the fact that I woke up with my nose full of snot and suffering from sinus spasms every three minute (remnants of a flu), today spoke of N-O-R-M-A-L like nothing else.

Excitement01 : Beeping phone messages of birthday wishes. Some came from my best friends (of course) and some from people I least expected. I mean, I didn't expect them to know my birthday, much less wish me and let me know they remembered! I can hardly remember half of my best friends' birthdays as it is!(Got to do something about that)

Excitement02 : Worked the brain cells overtime trying to decide how to best spend my birthday loot. It's always harder to decide on something to buy when you actually have the money for it. There's always a dozen things I need to buy when I'm all dried up, cash-wise. Ironically.

New Year

Tragic Closing

I am sitting here with a copy of Utusan Malaysia, it's front page a picture of mangled bodies in Banda Acheh. The TV is fixed on CNBC, constant updates on the disaster. I thought I've heard enough of the repeated gruesome facts. But every hour seem to bring in more tragic information about this town, or that family, or some other individual barely escaping death. When will it all end? Or is this merely the beginning? A prelude to the full wrath of Allah?

I was going to pen down my thoughts on the past year and, traditionally, me resolutions for 2005 that's coming in precisely two hours from now. But all I can think of is the horrid end of 2004.

The year comes to a close with a bang, indeed. Everything that's happened, to me, clearly points to something that God wants us to see. What that is, is beyond my comprehension. At the very least, it's probably to get us back on the right track.

Could it be one of the tanda-tanda hari Qiamat?

Could it be one of the tanda-tanda akhir hari Qiamat?

If so, how much closer are we to it?

By right, I should be getting ready for my trip abroad, but I can't help thinking that it's all superficial. What good is a carefully packed luggage compared to an eternity in hell? I might not even make it to Australia. The end of the world might just come before then. I'm going down to Kota Bharu to see my grandma in a few days. Right now, that's the only thing I desperately want to do.

It seems fickle to be going about life as usual when such a disaster is still looming at our doorstep. But, as, my dad said at dinner, "Kalau dah ajal, no form of forward warning can save you. Kalau dah ajal, tak boleh elak." So true, dad. And so, it is with that in mind I resolve for the new year to:

Insya'Allah...

I will live life correctly, according to what the Quran dictates, so help me God.

Tsunami

SP and Tsunami

I wish there's more I can offer.

We had no clue on what happened until one of my dad's staff called him on the cell. He was supposed to go down to Penang and hand in some donations on behalf of the company. To the guy who lost all his five children to the giant waves. What a shocker. What a cliche.

The area worst hit was Kuala Muda, not far from where we were. Yet, life went on in SP as if nothing happened. I expected to see choppers flying in with patients from KM and ambulances blaring their sirens across town. Nope, nothing of the sort.

At first, the news seemed somewhat surreal. Tsunami? Here in Malaysia? Exactly.

An aerial video of the Penang beach showed people desperately running away from rapidly advancing waves. Some managed to escape, others disappeared beneath the seemingly harmless white foams. The wrath of mother nature, so beautiful in it's destruction.

All I can think of is how grateful I should be despite of it all.
Of all the countries hit, Malaysia still has the least number of fatalities.
Of all the countries hit, Malaysia was the farthest inland, the farthest away form the epicenter.

And also, despite of it all, I could not ignore the hints pointing to the fact that it was a massage from GOD.
Most of the major tourist attractions were severely hit (Phuket, Langkawi).
It happened on a Sunday, a day of picnicking, a day of leisure, a day of outings.
Coincidence? Perhaps.
More like providence. At least to me it is.

Sungai Petani

Tomorrow I Journey

Tomorrow I journey
to the town of SP
where I roamed young and free
where bonds of faith awaits me
where I paved a brief history
of tears, of laughter, of destiny
in the green fields of padi

Tomorrow I journey
to Sungai Petani...

Gigi

Cabut gigi.Sakit giler.

Hell. That one word singularly summerises the entire experience.

Finally the day I'd been postponing arrived. Like so many other anonymous adults of today, I hold a morbid fear of going to the dentist. The way I was whining to my mom, I was one diaper short of being a baby. But hey, this is my gums we're talking about here, not endless waves of nerveless hair or nails!

The horror began the moment the dentist said "OK, nice and wide for me please...". She said the jab would be merely a prick, but boy, it was one hell of a prick. After that, of course, I went numb but she still had to add a few more jabs of anesthetic. Turns out I have very sensitive nerves.

I can't even describe the horror of her slicing through my gums. Of course I didn't feel anything, but I can hear the scalpel scraping against my tooth. Plus I could see my reflection in her glasses. Molars, incisors, gums and all. Not a calming sight.

At some point during the minor surgery, the dentist took a break and told me to relax and not fight it. How the hell can I not, for God's sake? She was practically hacking away at my gums, picking up one brutish tool after another and prying my jaws open so wide that I thought they might get dislocated permanently. After a while, it wasn't the pain that was shaking me, it was the fear of it that weakened me so much. I could almost feel the tooth being butchered and bludgeoned out of me. I had so many things to say while all this was going on but couldn't, like "is it supposed to hurt this much, even with the anesthetic?" and "are you sure you're doing this right?" and "Hey, what's that thing you just pulled outta there??!!!"

Of course, the surgery finally came to an end when she pulled out my wisdom. Goodbye old tooth. Yes, you, the one that cropped up almost horizontally instead of vertically like the rest of your siblings, ramming the geraham next to you, therefore warranting your own demise. It's been lovely having you around, and I'm sad to have to let you go in such a healthy state. But there it is, you have to go.

*sob, sob*

Cineast

Ocean's Twelve Plus One

I'm such a sucker for multi-talented-jocks like this one.

It's been two weeks now and I still can't get him out of my head (imagine Kylie's a capela serenade of 'I Just Cant' get You Out of My Head' in the background).No, it's not Brad Pitt or any of the other heart-throbs casted in the movie.

I was utterly and most undeniably captured, enraptured, spell-bounded, by the one final scene by the ever-so-illusive Vincent Cassel a.k.a. Francois Toulour a.k.a. the Night Fox. His appearance throughout the movie was sporadic and at times doesn't include much dialogue. In the scene where he finally reveals his secret for B&E into a museum, however, Cassel literally outshines any and all, and I mean all, of the afore mentioned hotshots.

Typically, the museum is decked out with laser beams criss-crossing each other across the gallery. So, what does the suave Baron Toulour do to get past them?

He simply plugs in his ear plugs, and dances, I mean dances, to the song! It was hand-stands, back flips, somersaults, jumps and skips, across the room. It was a sort of a capoeira+breakdance+ballet+lift dancing kindofthingy without too much of hip-swaying to come off as sissy. The music really helped the entire scene pull off beautifully. Talk about multi-talented!(Gosh, I can go on and on about that dance routine for days. ) He reaches the other end of the gallery, takes a look at the laser beams, turns to walk off, jumps and clicks his heels in mid-air, Chaplin style.

*sigh*......I'm on cloud nine, people....

Shadows

Shadow. The Shadow.

Ever felt like there's a shadow that follows you around? Even when there's no sun, no light, nothing, to cast it in your direction?
Ever felt like a shadow hitches a ride at the sole of your feet and goes wherever you go, does whatever you do, sees everyone you see?
Ever felt like it's robbing you off your name, the sillhouette that takes the form of your body but never giving you credit for it?
Ever looked in a mirror and see an immitation of yourself instead of a reflection?
Ever turned around to see an echo of yourself doing the rounds, collecting applause?
Patent rights be damned, a copycat is nothing but that.

My New Best Friend

Today I met a great new friend

Who knew me right away

It was funny how she understood

All I had to say

She listened to my problems

She listened to my dreams

We talked about love and life

She'd been there too, it seems

I never once felt judged by her

She knew just how I felt

She seemed to just accept me

And all the problems I'd been dealt

She didn't interrupt me

Or need to have her say

She just listened very patiently

And didn't go away

I wanted her to understand

How much this meant to me

But as I went to hug her

Something startled me

I put my arms in front of me

And went to pull her nearer

And realized that my new best friend

Was nothing but a mirror.

Retold by Kimberly Kirberger

Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

Stupid thing

Stupid thing

Amy and I did something very stupid yesterday. This is how it happended...

We were looking for a building in KL. We didn't know where it was. We got some useful directions from a few nice ol' Pakciks. We managed to blotch that up somehow. We stopped at a gas station to ask for directions. We actually bumped into one of the Pakciks. I couldn't stop laughing so Amy explained to him how we got lost. He gave some more directions.

Then he offered us a ride. He was going in the same direction.

I was tired of walking and it was starting to rain. So after a few moments of contemplation, we got in the car. Not until after we closed the door did it crossed my mind that we were doing something irreversibly STUPID. Yeah, too late, I know.
The nice ol' Pakcik kept up a stream of small talk all the way. Amy and I never said a word to each other, but we kept exchanging worried glances the whole time. She knew what was on my mind, and I hers.

Thankfully, we got to the place safe and sound. Everything turned out ok, but we made a very stupid decision all the same. Getting into a stranger's car is stupid, regardless of the situation.

Never again.

Ever.